I'm ready to get back in the game Coach!

Somehow I find myself on my computer at 2 am with a real need to express the current (more like rip tide) building in my heart. Not to sound like Bible Toting Betty, but I feel my spirit being awakened. I feel like I'm going through a ridiculously long transitional period. Don't get me wrong, I've found a great community of people. I've got a great life. Things have been more stable and consistent than ever.

Thus we enter into the restless nature of Christen.

It is not in me to be still. God definitely sends me to rural, green pastures but only for seasons. I've always had the heart of a wanderer. Just even the whisper of such things brings a real zeal flare up deep from the center of who I am. Kind of like on the Lion King when the hyena's mentioned Mufasa.

Over the past several months, something has been swirling in my heart of hearts. The whisper that there is more than this. There is more of ME than this. There are more adventures with Jesus than this. There is MORE!

As a beat up ex church/ministry worker, I can assure you that this bring more than a few shudders to the surface. I don't WANT to go back through any semblance of where I've been. I've seen that horror film and I'm ok with not seeing it again. But I think this transition looks different. It feels different. I truly feel like I'm standing in the dead smack center of a crossroad.

What I think is hardest about this choice is that I think none of the options are wrong or will take me "away" from where I am supposed to be. I genuinely feel that these choices are being presented by the Lord as a choice. Which path will I follow?

In true Christen form, I'm in a full blow analytical phase. My thoughts are being tossed over and over again like a Greek salad. What if I do this? What happens if that? I'm pretty much sick of my own voice in my head. As a people pleaser, I want to know what choice makes the most people happy. What choice puts me in better standing with God? At the heart of it all... I don't want to mess up.

The Pharisees and I are more alike than I'm comfortable to admit. Jesus told them, "You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me!"
It is as if God's word on paper had become their security blanket. or their get out of jail free card. They were so busy C-Y-Aing that they couldn't see the Savior standing in front of their face.

As I talk to people both churched and unchurched, I find this a consistent problem. It is almost like by validating our choice, we can override any criticism or complaint. Looking back, I've made more than my fair share of mistakes in this matter. I've needed to justify my time in Kansas City or another of other questionable outcomed attempts at doing life. I can What If the LIFE out of any situation until I can't remember why I chose what I chose. Clear and simple, when we work more on C-Y-A we take our E-Y-E off of G-O-D.

Being a believer in God is only complicated when we stop trusting in the character of God and focus on the isolated instances. As an English major and avid book reader, this concept makes a lot of sense. When I read a Tale of Two Cities, I understand why Sydney Carton switched places with Charles Darnay and took his punishment while Charles went free. The why is answered in the character build up. I can discuss several aspects of why a person would do that but the direct answer to Charles and Sydney's struggles are answered in text. How can a mere novel be easily understood yet I am 20 + years in struggling with understanding God's love for me and what my life looks like in reflection of that love?

I simply choose paragraphs and individual experiences over God's Word and His overall character development throughout my life with Him.

Choosing paths really comes down to this. I've got to trust that God is ordering my steps and that I will not fall. I am seeking God's heart so I must trust that I have already found it.

I also have to know who I am. I am a woman of adventure and a pioneer spirit. I don’t really think a quiet picket fence life is my thing. I like to get down and dirty in the lives of people. I feel like God's asking if I want to get off the bench. My nerves are high and my bruises still have color in them but in my heart of hearts, I know that the rougher road is where my adventurous spirit is satiated.

Here's to the road few take. Game on!

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.