One Life

Practical Community Living

2012-03-15T23:48:00.000-04:00

As a blogger, I tend to get the need to write when things are in turmoil or I've reflected on something deep and/or emotional. I totally forget to express the great things that are going on also so amidst all of the CRAZY in my life, I've entered into a really cool thing my friend Cameron suggested. There is a group of people I am friends with that love Jesus but we're not all members of a certain church or organization or anything that we all have in common but instead we're a hodge podge of people that just seem to flock together. It is kind of cool to not have any one thing to tie us together but Jesus.

Anyway, we've started a weekly dinner thing called Food For All. We separate into either partners (for the singles) or families and everyone takes a night. One team cooks a meal to feed all of us one night of the week. It is supposed to be ready by around 6pm. Then, everyone stops by that house w/ to go containers and picks up their homemade dinner. The target stay is less than 20 mins. The host house only has to really be available for visitors from 6-7pm. Then you're done. Everyone cooks ONE night per week and gets FIVE home cooked dinners. AMAZING! The cool bonus is that you are seeing everyone in the group throughout the week without having to commit a lot of time or effort. You get to save money and eat healthier. I've been eating so great for the first time throughout the week. Bonus, if you have other plans, you can eat the leftovers for lunch or on the weekend. AMAZING!

I think one of the hardest things for people today is to establish healthy relationships and to create opportunities for people to simply be together. A friend of mine and I were talking about how we often find ourselves really lonely in spite of being surrounded by people. I can't build a community in the places I don't live. I've lived like that for a very long time: via phone, facebook, visits, etc. It isn't that my love changes for people but when you are doing life in a city, you HAVE to build relationships around you. Long distance ones are important too but there is true wisdom in that phrase, "Love the ones your with".

Atlas, Spaghetti, and a Bridge to Nowhere

2012-03-14T02:31:00.000-04:00

If my thirty first year is to follow the same path my March has been going thus far, I am in trouble.

The way my life seems to be going, I'm feeling more and more like Atlas and less and less like me. I sometimes feel like my life really has become not mine and I've gotten stuck holding up other people's sky. Between family, work, and extra stuff I sign my name to, I feel like if one more ball gets thrown my way, I'm not only taking myself down but plenty of others with me. My friend Erin and i were discussing things the other day and one of the hardships of being an ENFP is that sometimes you are put on a pedestal of happiness that real life just doesn’t allow 24/7. It feels as if we aren't allowed to have a bad day, to lose it, to feel sadness, etc. As a normally gregarious person, I'm finding the weight of things in life more than just hard, but literally a burden that sits between my shoulders. In some of the areas of my life where I feel like I've been painted or painted myself into a corner, I see where I am not relying on the Lord. I'm not able to see how I got to this point or even how to rely on Him. Releasing life to God is only easy when you're not in the middle of the weights and pressures.

Any one thing coming at me by itself would not be so bad but it is the sheer MULTITUDE of things, attitudes, people, etc. all coming at once. Several times I wish I were more like a stereotypical man. It would be beautiful to compartmentalize and shut out the crazies while at work or at meetings or like now, when it is time to sleep but no... I have to be stinking spaghetti. Every issue leads to another and to another and to another. Problems at work stem to problems at home stem to relational problems stemming to religious issues stemming to upbringing stemming to fill in the blank. Thinking is exhausting so I keep busy to stop thinking which leads to interacting with more people with issues that pile on the junk cart. YIKES! I seriously almost totally lost it today when the problems were merely blips on the screen but I guess they seemed the safest place for my real anger and resentment. Life can be so simple and so good but when it gets complicated, it is as if a rubix cube has fallen from the sky and you must solve it to breathe. I used more breathing exercises today at my desk than I've used in any gym class I've been to. The interwoven messes of life have me chasing this noodle and that one.

I think it is in the ridiculous amount of linked issues and personality flaws (mine and others) that has bamboozled me into these thoughts that lead to nowhere. In some of the situations, especially those with family, I have an overwhelming sense of loss. Not only in what to do but a loss of hope that it could be better. It is like that so many relationships and dreams seem to be built but have been lost or I've forgotten where I was going with them. I hear the words coming from my mouth and ultimately my heart and I find myself reiterating the fact, I'm unwilling to walk another step towards someone or something that requires more from me than they give. I am tapped out and simply cannot go a step further which has me sounding more like an Israelite in the desert than I would prefer.

All of the trials and ups and downs of life have left shellac on my heart. Like a plastic seal over my heart, the cares of this world are choking and thorny. The soil is dry and cracked. The sun is overbearing and the bugs are driving me crazy.

Some of my rootless wandering from city to city and from group to group has caught up to me in the form of weeds. I know this is but a small blip on the screen. This time will pass. I'm trying to not just get through this rough patch but to stick with my goal to be honest about where I am and how I am. My safe havens of old have been living their lives. In a funny way, I've been ok with it. I've seriously been working on holding people in my life with open hands and an open heart. Every step has been ordained by the Lord. All of these weeds and thorns are seen and known by my Father. He is the great Gardner of my heart. All this leaning on myself or others has left me dry of His love.

I'm making a choice to focus on abiding. My 31st year, I want to remember how I pushed into abiding, how I remembered how to sit still before the Lord, how I planted myself in front of the Gardner and stayed through the weeding, the pruning, etc. This life was never promised to us easy but only that we wouldn't walk it alone. I'm releasing all expectations and looking to the Lord. He'll supply the ones to journey with me. He will provide when I walk it alone. It is time for Atlas to lay down her world, for spaghetti noodles to be cut, and to sit on the bridges and reflect deeply with my life's journey partner. I'm throwing out this last year's goals and focusing only on abiding.

John 15

The Vine and the Branches

1 “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vineyard keeper. 2 Every branch in Me that does not produce fruit He removes, and He prunes every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me.

A Forwarded Email - I'm pretty sure, my future date :)

2012-02-09T10:20:00.000-05:00

Her First Date

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. ! ! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Going through the big D and I don't mean Dallas

2012-02-01T13:35:00.000-05:00

February 1st will forever be ruined for me. Today is the day when my parents begin the divorce process. I know I’m 30 and out of the home, but my heart is broken. I feel about 6 years old on the inside. I’m scared about what the future of my family looks like. I’m hurt and disappointed in my mom and dad. But more than anything, my heart hurts.

I’ve known this day was coming but still a small part of me held onto hope for the miraculous. I’m forever an optimist and it even surprises me sometimes. I still believed that reconciliation was possible even after 6 years of separation and many years before when they needed to be separated. At this very moment, I believe if they wanted to be married to each other, they could be.

Belief dies inside reality. Each of them wants to go their own way or is unable to bend for the other. The fissure became a crack. The crack became a split. The split will become two halves broken and separated from each other. Each piece maintains broken parts of the other while missing parts of the whole.

My family started broken: his kids and one of hers. I’m the only ours in my family. And now we will be forever broken. Outside of my choice, I will now have to choose. Choose who I see on what holiday. Choose who I invite where. Choose a schedule that includes separate times in separate homes for separate holidays. There won’t be any more family gatherings where all are included. Us will once again be them. Where two became one, there will be one being two. I’ll be in two households for every occasion. Forever broken. Forever with someone/something missing. I’m a statistic.

Why can’t there be forgiveness?

Why is “I’m sorry” harder to say than “goodbye”?

Why does “I’m right” trump “I love you”?

The realness of today flooded me Monday. In chorale practice, all of a sudden the realization of my family tree breaking sent a shard so deep in my heart I almost fainted. Most people think that marriage is between the two of them, but it really isn’t. There are children and grandchildren sitting on the branches that marriage created. People find shade and hope in that tree. Other smaller, weaker branches get broken when divorce happens.

If love is a battlefield, then divorce is a vulture feeding on the carcasses of the dead and wounded.
Children, regardless of age, are the casualties of divorce. My brothers and their families are affected. Their loyalties are torn. I was the glue. The only one vested in both. The implosion of their relationship has sent out shrapnel, and now I am walking wounded in my parents’ war.

I get that not all marriages are like this. I get that there are those who communicate, respect one another, love one another, enjoy one another, but I’m not living in that family. I’m living in this one. I want a home. I want a family that is whole. I wanted ONE Christmas. Today signifies the death of that dream too. Today signifies the death of many hopes and dreams, and February 1st has become a casualty of divorce too.

I could list details and blame, but why feed the vulture? All I desire is for a glimpse of hope in the wreckage that love can bloom in all of this death. I’m squeezing all the faith I can muster into walking in peace through this day and the subsequent days to follow.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.

I believe in love. Not out of what I’ve seen but in focusing on Him who is unseen.

I honor marriage. Not as in examples I’ve witnessed but because my spirit bears witness to a covenant that is deeper than a marriage certificate and beyond the reach of court systems and lawyers.

In spite of all that I’ve lived through, I lay my hope in a bridegroom (either here or in heaven) who walks through marriage with sober reflection of eternal vows.

I can’t walk through this without being hit. It is war after all. Marriage was never intended to be conditional or temporal. I recognize I’m wounded. Lord, allow those wounds to become scars; remembrances of war yet without pain or infection.

Lord I want to be a tree planted by your river; a tree with deep roots and leaves of healing.

Not every lost battle signifies the outcome of the war.

Not everything broken dies.

Abolitionist of the 21st Century!

2012-01-14T23:26:00.000-05:00

Great Perspective on Jesus

2012-01-14T22:31:00.000-05:00

I'm ready to get back in the game Coach!

2011-10-16T03:38:00.000-04:00

Somehow I find myself on my computer at 2 am with a real need to express the current (more like rip tide) building in my heart. Not to sound like Bible Toting Betty, but I feel my spirit being awakened. I feel like I'm going through a ridiculously long transitional period. Don't get me wrong, I've found a great community of people. I've got a great life. Things have been more stable and consistent than ever.

Thus we enter into the restless nature of Christen.

It is not in me to be still. God definitely sends me to rural, green pastures but only for seasons. I've always had the heart of a wanderer. Just even the whisper of such things brings a real zeal flare up deep from the center of who I am. Kind of like on the Lion King when the hyena's mentioned Mufasa.

Over the past several months, something has been swirling in my heart of hearts. The whisper that there is more than this. There is more of ME than this. There are more adventures with Jesus than this. There is MORE!

As a beat up ex church/ministry worker, I can assure you that this bring more than a few shudders to the surface. I don't WANT to go back through any semblance of where I've been. I've seen that horror film and I'm ok with not seeing it again. But I think this transition looks different. It feels different. I truly feel like I'm standing in the dead smack center of a crossroad.

What I think is hardest about this choice is that I think none of the options are wrong or will take me "away" from where I am supposed to be. I genuinely feel that these choices are being presented by the Lord as a choice. Which path will I follow?

In true Christen form, I'm in a full blow analytical phase. My thoughts are being tossed over and over again like a Greek salad. What if I do this? What happens if that? I'm pretty much sick of my own voice in my head. As a people pleaser, I want to know what choice makes the most people happy. What choice puts me in better standing with God? At the heart of it all... I don't want to mess up.

The Pharisees and I are more alike than I'm comfortable to admit. Jesus told them, "You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me!"
It is as if God's word on paper had become their security blanket. or their get out of jail free card. They were so busy C-Y-Aing that they couldn't see the Savior standing in front of their face.

As I talk to people both churched and unchurched, I find this a consistent problem. It is almost like by validating our choice, we can override any criticism or complaint. Looking back, I've made more than my fair share of mistakes in this matter. I've needed to justify my time in Kansas City or another of other questionable outcomed attempts at doing life. I can What If the LIFE out of any situation until I can't remember why I chose what I chose. Clear and simple, when we work more on C-Y-A we take our E-Y-E off of G-O-D.

Being a believer in God is only complicated when we stop trusting in the character of God and focus on the isolated instances. As an English major and avid book reader, this concept makes a lot of sense. When I read a Tale of Two Cities, I understand why Sydney Carton switched places with Charles Darnay and took his punishment while Charles went free. The why is answered in the character build up. I can discuss several aspects of why a person would do that but the direct answer to Charles and Sydney's struggles are answered in text. How can a mere novel be easily understood yet I am 20 + years in struggling with understanding God's love for me and what my life looks like in reflection of that love?

I simply choose paragraphs and individual experiences over God's Word and His overall character development throughout my life with Him.

Choosing paths really comes down to this. I've got to trust that God is ordering my steps and that I will not fall. I am seeking God's heart so I must trust that I have already found it.

I also have to know who I am. I am a woman of adventure and a pioneer spirit. I don’t really think a quiet picket fence life is my thing. I like to get down and dirty in the lives of people. I feel like God's asking if I want to get off the bench. My nerves are high and my bruises still have color in them but in my heart of hearts, I know that the rougher road is where my adventurous spirit is satiated.

Here's to the road few take. Game on!

The Road Not Taken - Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

My wrestling found a rap! POWERFUL message on little church verses THE Church

2011-10-06T22:09:00.000-04:00

How to get on a prayer list 101

2011-10-06T00:50:00.000-04:00

How do you get your Christian friends in a prayer frenzy? Tell them you don't want to go to church anymore. Ok... so I stole that line from a book but there has been a movement in my heart for awhile now.

I've been "hopping" around for several months... probably closer to years now. Long story short, I burned out from working in ministry/church work. Some scars are less like scars and more like wounds. I felt for a time like I had to stay out of church to seek God again. Call me crazy but I seriously had PTSD. My first time back to THE church, I literally threw up and couldn't go. More than cyberland wants to know but all this to say, I admit baggage and a bias towards what I'm proposing.

Fast forward 3 years or so to present day. I've had several churches that I've felt "home" in. Some surprising even to me. There are some serious issues though when it comes to making it to membership status. It isn't as if I don't support what each church stands for or don't want to be associated as one of their members, but in the membership phase I hear what they are asking and in my heart of hearts I know that I can't sign my name to it.

Church DTR looks as follows:
1) Committed attender to "insert name/denomination" services and events
2) Committed volunteer to "insert cutesy ministry name"
3) Sanctioned money to continue inserted staffing, ministries, building fund, etc.

See, I speak Christianese. None of these commitments are wrong. Most often than not, I believe in what these churches are doing and join in. I really find my issue as that I know in my heart, I am a girl not ready to settle down.

I've always had a problem with signing something I'm not in agreement with. I remember my sophomore year in college. I was in this bible study. Southern Baptist born and bred, I had found my way into a full blown Pentecostal boot camp of sorts. A tight knit group of us were meeting, praying, learning, and challenging most everything we were raised on. To be in the official leadership, I was supposed to sign this declaration of sorts. It spelled out all the theological principles and outlined a very bible verse filled version of what I was supposed to believe and portray. I remember looking at it. All of these people I loved and respected looking at me with anticipation. I mean, why wouldn't I sign it. I was one of them right?

Hardest thing I had done at the time. I couldn't sign it. I appreciated where it was coming from, agreed with a lot of it, yet to sign my name to such a specifically outlined version of faith... I just couldn't do it. What was ironic though in hindsight was that My Baptisty friends were pressuring and upset because I still went to group studies and because I was asking questions and the Pentacostally folks were doing the same pressure and anger displays because I wouldn't sign for leadership and because I was asking questions. Let's just say the vice in all my relationships would have been relieved if I just conformed to what seemed to make sense... but whose sense?

I have yet to meet a church staff type that didn't believe that membership to their church was biblical. Verses get whipped out, warnings about falling away are brought out, and the building of God's Kingdom/Christianity are pronounced.

Before you rush to the comment section with a seminary degree worthy answer to this, seriously pause and question with me.

Why? Why are we Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, etc.? Why must we diligently sequester ourselves to one group of believers? Where does the dissection of the body of Christ fit into our over churched streets and under reached world at large? Is it possible that we are so consumed with doing church and producing ministry that we have forgotten to BE the church and minister?

That last phrase fits me. Ministry and the act there of has been my identity as long as I can remember. I was going to be a missionary in a hut. I was going to sacrifice as much as I could for the sake of the Gospel. I was willing to work in the trenches of youth ministry, girls home, urban ministry, fill in the dream. Not one of those are wrong or outside of God's heart but the fact that that was my goal IS outside of His heart. How can a bride spout poems about this big love affair she has with the Groom and neglect to actually SEE Him, TALK to Him, and especially MEMORIZE His details. I don't want to get caught up in Christianity and miss CHRIST!

So, I don't want to go to church anymore. I don't want a Sunday to be a place I have to be with things I have to do or to be so filled with obligation that I miss the delight of fellowship and the anticipation to actually seek God.

To me, writing and saying these things feels so much like I did back then when all were waiting for me to sign my name. The disclaimers come like you have to be accountable, how can you be fed, how can you wounds heal without a leader, etc.

True. People avoid church to hide sin. People avoid consistent relationships to live in pretense and seem right. People bounce and stay stagnant and immature in faith.

I argue that people are in church doing the very same thing.

For believers, if you are filled with the Holy Spirit, all of your sins get exposed, all your lies find the light, and all of your faith grows or dies.

This back and forth is mostly for myself but also puts in words what I wish I could explain to my friends. I guess there is a part of me that needs permission to think with my heart and not my head. I'm fully churched. I know all the right answers. I know what I'm supposed to align with but I just can't sign my name to it anymore. My desire is to step away from the coffee table and explore past my comfort zone with God. (Sunday school lesson... don't really want to rabbit trail more than that)

Lord, I commit to YOUR church. She has many steeples and some not at all. She meets inside and out. She sings standing up and sitting down. She dances. She reads prayers. She has a building or a front porch. She has a staff or none at all. She is all of these and more or less. I'm ready to step out of what feels safe to me and what looks right and step beyond to flow and find those who call you Lord. May these words challenge me to again hone in on your still small voice. May you challenge one more life to do the same.

Radio Silence

2011-08-11T01:17:00.011-04:00

Do you ever have those moments (or if like me months) where you really don't have much good to say? I mean, it isn't like you haven't had good times or blessed moments but your overall outlook is well... better left unsaid.

Well, if you said no... stop reading now because you won't get it.

Yes folks... keep reading.

I'm not totally out of this valley so the insight I have is very limited but a few things that I have picked up on the way have been pressing in and need to be said.

I've been watching Hoarders. People who know me might laugh (especially if you've helped me move). I'm an avoider hoarder. I've gone through plenty of phases in my life where I've moved over and over again using the dump method: last minute packing where things, papers, trash, whatever get dumped into boxes/containers/bags and moved. As we speak, I'm currently avoiding boxes from my old office (going on 3.5 years ago) and random "organization" attempts gone terribly wrong.

While understanding some of the chronically disorganized thought process, what really struck me was the emotion of the process. As I was tearing up at a family literally being ripped apart because of stuff, the Holy Spirit began downloading some things that I really wasn't expecting to hear.

hoard
[hawrd, hohrd] Show IPA

–noun
1.
a supply or accumulation that is hidden or carefully guarded for preservation, future use, etc.: a vast hoard of silver. (dictionary.com)

A sudden realization that while the people on the show had an outward display of stockpiled junk, I have an inward one.

Watching these people so trapped in deception and denial walk in tight paths as prisoners in their own home, I realized that I was doing the same thing internally. Where they have trash, clutter, and boxes, I have hurt, anger, and bitterness. I've attached my identity to things that have happened. I know it is trash. I know it is stinky but yet somehow I move it to the side, reshuffle, and keep it for just in case or because I don't know what else to do with it. Deception isn't something that is thinly veiled. It might start that way but like calcium deposits in a pipe, lies create layer upon layer until a full blown clog has settled in.

So many highs and lows. So many disappointments and failures. So many mud holes that weigh you down and draw you deeper and deeper into more despair and heartache.

These wounds have become my treasures. But as a hoarder of these, my eyes were (sometimes still are) unable to see the junk piles for what they were: Trash! It is amazing what we can assimilate to. It is astounding what we can rationalize.

No matter how comfortable and used to our junk, you and I were never made to live in 10% of our life. The problem with unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness is that it takes up precious space. The more we hold onto them, the less space there is for you. The less space there is for other people. The less space there is for you and God to commune. I always thought that whole "don't let the sun go down on your anger" was more like your mom saying "you better have your room cleaned up before I get home". It always felt like a huge task where you kind of get the gist but are left with lots of room for interpretation and are most likely going to procrastinate and or fail at doing it. It can take me weeks to process my feelings let alone work through forgiveness. Am I already in the doghouse with God because I feel hurt and pain?

I'm starting to get another view. I'm starting to see releasing anger as a way to keep your house free. Life is alot like having an 8 year old son. No matter how clean you send him out, he always comes back torn, dirty, and with crazy stuff in his pockets. Everyday, people are dumping stuff off at your house. Drama, judgement, friendship, love, pain, you name it. We are CONSTANTLY bombarded with situations to clutter up our heart. When we release hard feelings, it is like throwing out a box of junk. When we forgive, it is like removing a garbage bag. The sooner we do this, the less rot and decay happens. No matter how hard we strive to look clean, bitterness and unforgiveness will rot and decay and eventually all who come near you will smell it (even if you don't).

A situation today taught me more than I wanted to know. It taught me that I'm not as healed as I thought. I've hidden and pushed down so much into the closets of my heart, that I had actually believed that my house was in order. Someone pulled a string hanging out and the whole closet fell open.

The Holy Spirit will never force your hand or toss your junk for you. He understands that to take control like that would rip and scar you so brutally that you might never recover. Instead, he gives you dignity for shame and victory for defeat. He'll talk you through every box and help you handle every bag. He'll listen to your reasons and he'll hold your hand as you weep over your junk. I don't want to let junk rob me of a clear path. My issues nor my hurt are friends. They are merely trash heaps that have piled up long enough.

I'm not sure that it made it to scripture but I'm very certain that God is the King of Organizing. He supplies our needs and helps declutter the buried alive. We are more than conquerors over this stuff that is piling and rotting.

It is so reassuring that it is not up to me to know what to do. I have no game plan but Jesus. But with every removal, a little bit of path appears. That in and of it self makes the effort worth it.

Reality Check

2011-04-14T16:07:00.003-04:00

I got this in an email and thought it was great! Supposedly, these are Bill Gates' rules for students. I think they are lessons I need to review now!

****************************************************
Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.

The world will expect you to accomplish something, BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.

You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.

Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:

They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.

So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.

*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters.

You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.

*Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.

In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.

Chances are you'll end up working for one.

30 Strong

2011-04-05T12:07:00.005-04:00

Turning thirty almost became a breaking point for me. I didn't realize how much pressure I had been putting on myself to accomplish life goals by the time I was thirty. I thought I would have seen more of the world, had amazing experiences, been in at least a promising or heck even a broken relationship by now. I thought I would be in a real career, living in a hut in Africa, SOMETHING! So turning thirty in my very regular non glamerous life took some prayer.

Isn't it silly that we do this to ourselves? I mean, if the regular pressures of everyday living aren't enough, lets add on to them with unrealistic expectations and unfullfilled dreams. No wonder most countries look at Americans with pity. We really struggle to LIVE in the moment and ENJOY life. I made a turning point. I chose to really embrace where I am and who I am. I am thirty. I am single. I am ok.

My coworker took my last 20s photo. Not glam but I was so excited to have this big day coming. I finally was ready!

My sweet coworker gave me an amazing lemon pound cake for my birthday and another gave me a BEAUTIFUL arrangement of flowers. My mom joined in and sent a great arrangement. I truly felt loved and blessed beyond measure.

I was so humbled by the love shown to me by those who I see everyday but sometimes forget that they are God's gift of love to me.

My most fantastic friends Brooke and Meredith (sad we neglected to get all together pictures) took me out on the town. We didn't exactly paint it red but I enjoyed growing closer to some of my favorite Albany Chicas. These ladies are alway quick to help and have loved me grumpy and played with me until we giggled. I just enjoy the life God is building around me.

One of my most favorite treats of this 30th year was a retreat with my favorite Chi gal Sarah. We lived the life of leisure in a condo over the sea. Neither of us realized how leisurly it would be but taking a real step back from busyness and napping and laughing until the wee hours did my heart REAL good. I came back so restored and rested. Except for the little burn I picked up on the very last day. I guess I needed to prove I vacationed :)

I truly wish everyone could have friends like I do. Ones that I see and ones that I simply have the priveledge of knowing. Sarah and I were able to look single and 30 in the face and rejoice. There have been plenty of laughs and tears for the past 30 years but I feel the word God has for this next season is ENJOY!

Even with the Monkey on my back, I will rejoice! I plan on walking in a new belief in the Lord and in the God in me.

On our trip, Sarah and I kept getting offered to go get a drink. I wondered if they saw a need there :) just kidding. We instead celebrated on Naked Juice and a movie. Eat Pray Love gave me a lot of insight (minus the whole Hindu thing and leave your husband) which I'll come back to later but to end 30 Strong, I believe I will embrace Nakedness. Stripping down to the very fibers of who I am and who I believe in. Tapping into the RAWness will bring about a beautiful authenticity. I'm ready now. As I leave fear behind, I stop with this:

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10

God's still on Plan A. He's not nervous nor dissuaded on my last 30 so I can walk in confidence in my next 30.

Heart like Flint at Lent

2011-03-08T12:34:00.003-05:00

For some Christians, Lent has always been a part of their spiritual life, but for others it is unfamiliar. Lent is a season leading up to Easter, a time when Christians have historically prepared their hearts for Easter with reflection, repentance, and prayer. Lent begins with Ash Wednesday and proceeds for forty days, excluding Sundays, and culminating with Good Friday and Holy Saturday. Since Sundays are weekly celebrations of the resurrection of Jesus, the six Sundays in Lent are not counted as part of the forty-day season, which focuses on introspection, self examination, and repentance.

Many Christians choose to celebrate a fast throughout the season of Lent, but the focus is not on depriving themselves of something as much as it is on devoting themselves to God and his purposes in the world.

While we were Feeding the Neighbors (Homeless Outreach / Dinner), one of the leaders opened up about Lent. My religious background doesn't really teach on Lent and in college, it was kind of a fad to go without shopping or social media or chocolate. It was "in" to give up stuff and then purge on that very same thing the day after Easter. When Doug spoke about Lent, he said to use the opportunity to give back something or take on something new. That concept really stirred my heart. The Holy Spirit really started speaking to me about something I've been meaning to do, wanted to do, but kept bypassing.

As we begin the season of remembering Jesus' death and resurrection, I feel a call in my Spirit to really set my heart on focusing on Jesus. Sounds kind of like a DUH! but all of these resources started falling in my lap.

I signed up with YouVersion, an online biblestudy plan. It is pretty awesome and very user friendly. I'm reading a set plan everyday during Lent. In another study, our group discussion has revealed a theological flaw in myself. I've spent a lot of time developing answers based on New Testament letters rather than really delving into the Gospels aka what Jesus actually says. I have lots of thoughts but little time as of now to really get into them.

I feel like I'm on a mini mission. For a season (Lent), I want to dive head first in Jesus' mission. I want to explore what he said. Why he did the things he did? And, who I am as a Christ follower because of it. Setting my heart in focus. We'll see what happens!

Surge Protector

2011-02-16T13:48:00.003-05:00

My friend Hannah did an excellent job describing a problem I'm fighting right now. In her blog, she says :
"Godliness with contentment is great gain." (1Tim. 6:6) Everybody gains something when I keep my eyes on Jesus. I will be the very best version of me when I don't try to be like anyone else but Him. I know this, and yet, I forget. And the messiness starts to bother me.

Follow me on this rabbit trail:

You and I are created with a purpose / intent. We've been given gifts expressly from God and to be used for His purpose. However, our gifts/talents CAN be used outside of His purpose and can be used for worldly endeavors.

I remember being in my apartment several years ago at about 2 am. (Seems I listen best or God gets my attention at this time. Notice He does not talk to me at 7 AM which might be a revelation to all mankind that even GOD doesn't mess with me when I first get up)

Anyway, I was sitting in my living room praying and petitioning God, what body part am I? At the time, I was working in ministry and it kept coming up OVER and OVER how different I am. I didn't seem to fit in anywhere. I didn't think like others. I didn't have the same passions. I was weird! More than that middle school feeling. It was like an alien land or something. So, I went to my Maker. What body part am I?

I'll never forget what He said. He said I was Adrenaline in the Body of Christ. All of a sudden, I made sense. My extreme joy (and no I can't fake it. I've been a smiler / bouncy person my ENTIRE life and yes... it is annoying especially to folks who are Debbie Downers.)

I was able to make peace with who I was and why I was different. Years later though, I'm still figuring out how to funnel my energy. It has been a real challenge for me (post ministry job) to not over commit and run myself ragged. What happens is I will literally run until exhausted. If there is a need, a gathering, a fun opportunity etc., I will meet all of them and more. The ability is very much in the intrinsic making of my spirit by My Father but if not funneled through His hands, I am a tired, broken down MESS!

This week, I have fallen into a dead sleep within 10 mins of closing my eyes. NOT a good sign. Yesterday I went down for a nap and ended up 12 hours later waking up for work. These are definite signs of imbalance. I've been challenged recently at church to think deeper. What is all my running around really doing for the Kingdom of God? Since leaving harmful ministry positions, I have been so extremely skittish when it comes to committing to church stuff. I know it isn't right but honestly, the wounds are still being worked out. I'm better than I was yet so far from where I hope to be.

This week, I am asking for guidance. I'm asking for my DAD to lay out a clear path. There are brothers and sisters who need my gifts. There are ministries around me who need an energetic boost of encouragement and excitement. I'm ready to start building again. I'm ready to put myself out there knowing that the Lord is my Shelter and Strong Tower.

I know there are more out there than just me. I know there are those who've been bruised and beat up trying to serve the Lord and have thrown your hands up in the air. You might be wondering, "GOD IS IT WORTH ALL THIS?" Maybe you've tried to fit into this position or that one and can't find your niche. You struggle with understanding who you are in Christ or how you are supposed to fit in.

I hope you are encouraged by this post. He who began a good work in you WILL complete it. ASK and you will receive. SEEK and you will find. KNOCK and the door will be opened to you. You have a very defined place that only you can fill. The Body of Christ NEEDS us to take our place. I'm praying that He will show me exactly what needs a boost right now!

Valentine Victory

2011-02-15T13:14:00.006-05:00

Valentine's day is probably voted the worst holiday amongst singles. It is a Hallmark holiday full of reminders that A) you're still single, B) other folks aren't, and C) something may be wrong with you. Well... maybe not C but I can't say that thought doesn't rise up a time a two.

On my Valentine's weekend, I went to a singles dinner sponsored by my church. I've met the nicest folks who love Jesus but can say with all honestly, I am NEVER distracted there. I listen to every message and hear every announcement. Zippo on the attractive men (my age) who love Jesus. Not sure where they are going to Sunday school but it is clearly not in my class. But I digress!

As I was getting ready for this party, I felt a real sense of freedom come over me. By golly gee, I was going to dress to the 9s for this party. And not because some cute guy may or may not be there but because I am dressing for me. Sounds kind of dumb if you're married but to my single gals who read, you know what I mean. I am through with waiting or tempting some man for my self worth. It does help having someone you're attracted to bring out the flirtatious vixen that I am out but hey! I'm awesome all the time. Not just when some guy pays me homage.

This Valentine's day, I tapped into my inner hottie and rocked my black dress! So many of my single friends have shared how hard this single and 30 life is. I too have lamented having problems being impatient or fearing that "magic window of opportunity" is closing. But my God is too big for that.

I have the honor of having some of the most beautiful and engaging single friends and cannot fathom why they haven't been spoken for. I know the Lord is preserving them and leading them. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts certainly are not my thoughts.

I look into my own life and wonder when...? if...? A very real warning flashes in my heart. I think of all the struggle and strife in relationships that I've seen. The brutalizing of spouse's hearts. I think of the lifeless eyes I see in women I know who have been married for years but never cherished. Romantic love can be a blessing but outside of God's leading and guidance, love can be more like a cross to bear than He ever intended it to be.

So... Jesus, this Valentine's day, I choose to give you my heart. Not because there's no others contending nor because I feel I have to. I give you my heart because it is yours already. You've had my heart for 20+ years and I ask that you carry it for 20 x 20 more. You make all things beautiful in a matter of time. Thank you for the gift of being able to serve you and run after you with all my heart. Jesus you are forever my best Valentine.

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Edward Estlin Cummings

Why Customer Service is a Fine Art!

2011-02-03T09:20:00.003-05:00

The following is an actual conversation had by a friend of mine today. It should explain why good customer service is a SEVERELY underpaid component of a secretary's salary!

* Good morning, City of ******* Finance may I help you?

- Yea, I need another copy of my last pay stub.

* What did you do with your original we gave you?

- Oh I lost it. Can you get me another one?

- My address is wrong.

* Ok, do you still work for the city?

- Naw, I left 3 or 4 months ago

* Ok, have you looked for your stub?

- I didn’t get my W-2 either.

* Sir, let’s handle one problem at a time. What department did you work in before you left?

- Wendy’s (NOT making this up!!)

* Excuse me, did you say Wendy’s?

- Yea

* Sir, this is the City of ******, we are a City Government office.

- Yea

* I have no way to issue you another copy of anything that you received from your job at Wendy’s.

- Why not? How am I gonna get it then?

* Well, I would recommend that you contact Wendy’s.

- Oh, ahhight bye.

Let it Be

2011-01-13T16:27:00.002-05:00

"Rather than pointing fingers or assigning blame, let's use this occasion to expand our moral imaginations, to listen to each other more carefully, to sharpen our instincts for empathy and remind ourselves of all the ways that our hopes and dreams are bound together," - President Obama (speaking on Arizona Rep shooting)

Please let this be for our nation but most of all, for Your Church God!

Christmas in the Dirt

2010-12-29T13:30:00.000-05:00

After my Jesus missing X-mas last year, I have set my heart on enjoying this Christmas season. I am literally at times having to fight to maintain this commitment.

Something about the holiday season tends to bring out the crazy in people. Stressed drivers, contemptible mall employees, and demanding shoppers seem to circle around you in such a way that makes you feel like you are in the middle of a war zone. Recently, I had a moment with my family that seemed more like a missile strike than a conversation. It seems that all the closet issues in our family burst out at meal as we were trying to organize our holiday. I had to step back in amazement. The family member that was controlling our family (without being present or speaking) was distracting me from the reason Christmas is a celebration in the first place.

After some hard thinking and praying, I decided that to put life's rubber boots on and wade through this mess. Recently I found out that I had been criticized behind my back for being enmeshed (involved in a complicated or unpleasant situation that it is difficult to escape from) . It would not take long after meeting me to realize that my family is pretty nuts and there is hardly ever a simple answer to the whys and hows of the way we (dys)function. But as I survey my friends and families that I love, I see that we're all enmeshed in some ways.

Love is messy. Add to it divorce, brokenness, and sinners... dude... we have a MAJOR mud pit! For a long time I tried to walk around the edges and stay out of it. Sounds really holy the more you think about it. I became a religious attacker of the elite i.e. Pharisee.

My jumbled web of a family frustrates me, hurts me, and even creates plenty of opportunity for me to sin. But at the end of the day, the Creator of the Universe who is all, sees all, knows all, planted me right in the middle of my tangled mess. They are my greatest joy some days, the cross I bear others but I finally have gotten in the muck in mire (where Jesus is by the way) and have decided to live life with them.

To those who share my "friends" view of enmeshed. Live like you must. It is you that is held accountable. But avoidance of muck and mire doesn't absolve issues from you. You can't escape what is woven in by birth and sin. God calls us to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. Sometimes that means going to family dinners.

I'm asking for grace this season and this next year. Grace to see people with eyes like Jesus. Grace to make it through the dinner or conversation :) But most of all, grace to walk out the reason for this season. The greatest gift we have is Jesus. Who but dirty folks like me and you can best show His love and His acceptance than when we share ourselves with our family and those God puts in our lives.

So... 2011... I choose dirt and grime but walk carefully in the footsteps my Shepherd walks before me.

Crafty Nature 4

2010-12-29T12:54:00.002-05:00

Here are my homemade gifts for my nieces and nephews. DANG!!! It was quite a process but they turned out super cute. I gave them other stuff of course but was determined to give something I made this year. I'm proud though I won't be doing alphabets anytime soon :)

Crafty Nature 3

2010-12-13T08:24:00.002-05:00

Here's my newest diaper cake. A group of my friends and I are sponsoring a neighbor in need. I'm in charge of diapers and so of course I thought about a diaper cake. :) I only wish I had picked up some red crinkle stuff but I had white at the house but other than that, I think it turned out great!

Quick Update because I must

2010-12-02T17:59:00.003-05:00

In case you were about to unfollow me :)

My computer has been down for about 3 months therefore my post have been scant at best. I'm pretty sure that it has been a blessing in disguise seeing as some of the heart issues and wrestle matches with the Lord are sometimes best left behind closed doors. I do however forsee a reemerging from the silence soon and a fixed computer to boot :)

More on my thoughts and sermons later :) I've got plenty on the cutting room floor!

More on the horizon!

Encouragement for the Single and Weary

2010-12-02T11:43:00.001-05:00

Hidden Streams

2010-10-26T17:26:00.005-04:00

This post might fall more under stream of consciences rather than my usual novellas I like to write. My spirit has been stirring lately which feels like an unopened Christmas present found while cleaning up. Something new and fresh is happening in my heart and mind. For all you who are knee deep in desert walking, know that our God is a good God. He gives us hidden springs of water and tiny stalks of life and green in a very brown world. Rather than vex myself in trying to choreograph a post, I'm going to do the good ol' bullet option of where my mind has been, is, and is going.

* As I walked on the beach (family vacation last week), I was struck fetters I've long since worn. Shame and loathing over how I look and feel about myself really tried to over take me. I even had family company to speak life into those fears and doubts. As the "self-esteem" issues surrounded me and my identity felt ready to buckle, I wondered how it is we come up with "SELF" - esteem. It is not SELF that created this image. It is not SELF that wants to maintain it. So much of the judgements I bear are handed to me on a silver platter. I adorn myself with chains and weights willingly taking on these spiteful words as if they were crown jewels. I can glitter and bedazzle the iron that binds me all I want but imprisoned still is rooted in prison no matter how much the sparkle and shine. Freedom hangs in the key at my side yet I have to move potential energy to kinetic by using the key to unlock the bindings. That key is Jesus. His word. His promises. His life!

* My wants are insatiable. As I traveled with my 3 year old niece, I saw the pain and destruction of indulgence as I saw my sin displayed in a miniature version. Appetites for things, love, acceptance, ... are never satisfied this side of heaven. If I lead by my stomach, I will eat in misery. I must be lead by His Spirit. I must hunger and thirst after Him. I must allow God to clear the delirium and starvation by saturating in the Water and Bread of Life!

* God's answer is not only no or yes. Sometimes His way uses what motivates our hearts to lead us rather than to give to us a clear yes or no. "You can give a man a fish, and he eats for the day. Teach a man to fish and he eats the rest of his life." (unknown proverb) I may want marriage, security, and adventure. He can/will use those desires to show me my Beloved, my Hiding Place, and my Champion. Given in an instant, quickly forgotten. Given through perseverance and endurance, will walk me to eternity's gate.

* If I chase the next thing, I'm enslaved to that which I pursue. If I contend for daily peace, I will sit as royalty on a throne. "it is the glory of God to hide a matter, it is the glory of kings to search it out" - (bible somewhere :) )

* "Never doubt in the darkness what the Lord has given us in the light" - Voice in the Wind : Francine Rivers . I want to remember the light. I want be flooded with truth. I want to return to my First Love.

* I'm ready to dam up my flooded places and create more rivers. I am settling down into a constant ministry and know I want to put my hands to work in it. I'm ready to get serious and reliable in my community. I want to be a river like Ezekiel 47.

* I have a heart for the nations that MUST be heard. Just because I wasn't able to fulfill my idea of what reaching nations meant DOES NOT mean that that part of me is dead. I look like my Dad. I will find ways to support and intercede for the nations.

Running through Red lights!

2010-10-11T17:44:00.002-04:00

It is probably best that my home computer is down for the count. I've had about 4 different blog post running through my mind and some of it probably needed to steep a little longer in my brain juices.

I've been walking with the Lord over twenty years now. I've read a lot. Experienced a lot. And grown a lot. But there is this inner voice that seems to always say it is not enough. You should know better. You shouldn't be struggling with that. Aren't you past this yet?

PERFORM! PERFORM! PERFORM!

Last week was a week of sin. A week of here is my grossness out in front of me and everyone else. Sewage smelling attitude. Dang I'm dealing with this AGAIN!!!

In my conversations with people I have wanted to lean on a reason or it must be my age or its because of a lack of. I've been wanting to fight me, fight others, fight SOMETHING!!!!

I sat for a really brief moment on a park bench on my way back and forth at work. Probably all of 80 seconds. I cleared my mind. I felt the breeze. I pushed it all away and felt peace. Such a brief intermission and crazy enough I felt it down to my very CORE.

My new Sunday School class touched on somethings this week.

RABBIT TRAIL: I'm going to a new church that I would have NEVER picked for myself for various reasons, in a Single Adult class where I am 15 YEARS younger than most everyone AT LEAST!, and really seeking the Lord intentionally for what seems ten past forever!

RABBIT TRAIL OVER:

The teacher hit on busyness. I get that I'm busy. I get that I need to add more into my life that is deeper and of faith value but today for those 80 odd seconds, I realized I need to delete much more than I add. Sometimes I think I can find what I need in addition. Find mercy and servitude in feeding homeless. Find character and holiness in bible study. Find love and joy in community stuff.

Adding sometimes depletes more than it replenishes. Adding more friends, more activities, more stuff has helped create less me. I feel less like who I perceive myself to be and have deleted out my peace in the process. I'm still in the flood stage.

Lord help me to find more 80 seconds stops in my day. Lord help me to stop and smell the roses. Lord I want to walk with you in the cool of the day again. Help me to STOP going and performing and just be!

Hungry

2010-09-29T17:40:00.002-04:00

Have you ever been starved for something? Sometimes it is praise. Sometimes it is touch. Sometimes even the need for a hug can physically weaken you. I realized in the past few weeks that I'm starving for deep fellowship. I've been without a "home" church since I came back from Kansas City. It is so hard to find a place where I feel like I want to connect and get involved. I really am hungry for real Christian fellowship.

My bible study group used to keep me anchored and fed but now it is no more and I've been lost since. I didn't realize how much until I came back from my trip to Karen's. I laughed and talked and shared hearts with my favorite Karen and Keri. I came back full of life and now that I'm back in my routine, it is more apparent than ever that I need people to talk about Jesus with. People to stand by me as I struggle with life and support them as they struggle. To discuss and encourage one another. To tap into spiritual matters and call me out on my sin and selfishness with grace and love. I need real fellowship.

As an extrovert, I thrive on community and friendship. Phoneship doesn't sustain me. I want to make time for people now but it seems so hard to pull this individual or that one into intimate conversation. I feel like I'm ready to plug back into a body of believers. I'm ready to step out and help teach or to sing in praise team but I'm struggling to find a place that really fits. Not looking for perfect. Who could fit the bill? I'm looking for that puzzle where I'm a fit. I'm looking for God's place.

In the meantime, I'm struggling. There is a reason God says iron sharpens iron. You can't be an island unto yourself and stay healthy and clean spirited. I feel very dull in my spirit and very stagnant. Hunger puts you on edge. It affects your emotions, your health, and your demeanor. My coworkers can see it. My family can too. The thing about real hunger is that it takes over you slowly. It starts in the area of need but if continually thwarted, it will start taking over more and more of you until your mind, body, and spirit are consumed with finding that which you hunger for. You will eat at ANY cost and as fast as you can get it. I always assumed that Jesus was talking about food in all his talk about hunger. But in the haze of my own famine, I see so many more that are hunting. It is in their talk, their emotions, the way they do business, etc. Look around! We are a ravenous society saying FEED ME!!! FEED ME!!! Make this hunger pain go away!

Jesus told his disciples- YOU feed them. He told Peter - FEED my sheep. Jesus called himself the BREAD of life. Such a simple concept seemingly. How is it we sit at the Banquet of the Lamb and starve ourselves? How do we have a chair and simply not go?

On a movie about anerexia, the physician had the girl stand on a scale backwards so she couldn't see the number. She explained that the girl's anerexia made trick mirrors in her mind and she couldn't see herself for what she really looked like.

Straying from healthy Christian fellowship is a lot like anerexia after awhile. Sin and struggles attack in such a way to distort what's really going on. Hunger has marred God's picture of you. It has created sharp edges and ribs showing... weakening you into a pit of questions and doubts rather than certainty. Hunger steals your rests and becomes obsession and judgement.

Hunger can happen within a church just as well as outside of it. The point is NOT that church saves you but true believer fellowship is a mandate of our spirit because it is who God created us to be. He instilled hunger and thirst to propel us to what we need, Him. It is in the rancid, dry places that our spirit MOST recognizes the Bread and Water of life.

What are you hungry for? What is it that you CRAVE?

Lord, show me fresh water. I'm ready to drink. I'm ready to stop wandering and get plugged in. Lord, lead me to the table for I'm blind from searching on my own.

Sewing Books

2010-09-28T07:53:00.001-04:00

I'm using Hip Handbags for my purses and In Stitches for the placemats and aprons. I LOVE these books. They are great for beginners and give you pictures to help explain what you're supposed to be doing.

Without values, goals rarely get

2010-09-25T13:38:00.003-04:00

Without values, goals rarely get accomplished. Show me someone who is not reaching their full potential, and I'll show you someone who missed the importance of designing his or her life around their values.

- David Bach : Smart Women Finish Rich

The Grumps

2010-09-22T13:59:00.002-04:00

I've been struggling with the grumps lately. Some of it is I'm not getting enough sleep, my diet is all out of wack, and I'm not having personal time. Some of it is worse than that...

DISCONTENTMENT!

Yuck! I've been wrestling with the beast of burden known as discontent. It is shading how I see things, how I think, the way I feel, etc. My heart and mind are constantly spewing from bitter springs. My house is a mess, my job is boring, I'm tired of being single, my clothes are looking shabby, my shoes are coming apart, etc. YAK YAK YAK!

Discontent has happened before but it has laid down and wants to stay awhile. I have so much to be thankful for and to praise about yet it is in the have nots and the broken down that I struggle. Something about monatany really flares this spirit up! Mundane, everyday is driving me absolutely bonkers. I want adventure, fresh places, and fresh faces but the Lord wants me to honor Him in the ordinary so that I will remember Him in the extraordinary.

A constant theme of "It's time to grow up" has been driving me towards 30. I can't get away with throwing stuff together and scotch taping my life anymore. It is time to put away childish ways and GROW in Christ and stop chasing rainbows.

Lord I'm grumpy, selfish, and want things my way. Forgive me. Forgive me where I've put praise on myself instead of where it belongs on you. Lord, give me fresh vision of your blessings and your answers. Help me to put on praise! Take my grump and make her shine with your light.

______________________________________________________
Robin Mark Lyrics
"Garments Of Praise"

Put on the garments of praise, for the spirit of heaviness;
Let the oil of gladness flow down from your throne!
Put on the garments of praise, for the spirit of heaviness;
Your joy is my strength alone, my strength alone!

Make these broken weary bones rise to dance again,
Wet this dry and thirsty land with a river!
Lord our eyes are fixed on you and we are waiting,
For your garland of grace as we praise your name!

(chorus)

Hallelujah, sing hallelujah!
We give all honor and praise to your name!
Hallelujah, sing hallelujah!
We trade our sorrows for garments of praise!

Good Friends, Irish Pub, and Shared Dreams

2010-09-20T14:02:00.005-04:00

I had the most awesome weekend with my friends Karen and Keri. We had a blast catching up and remembering the college years. (Heather and Sarah are also included but aren't in the picture.)

I miss girl time SO much! Carefree adventures! Sharing our hearts! Telling about what God is doing or what we feel like He is about to do in our lives. I have some fun times back home but I really need to make room for more fellowship time. I need more fun in my life. I need more friends who pick up where you left off last time without complaining that you haven't called or come by. I need more time with sisters in faith and who are truly seeking the Lord and trying to live at the same time.

I feel full of life after this weekend. Good friends have that affect. Years pass but the love stays the same. I'm a blessed girl for sure!

Fun First

2010-09-20T08:42:00.002-04:00

To start off... I know that I am a TOTAL nerd. It was in hiding for a while but it is taking over!

This whole creating thing is feeding my inner self. Sounds mystical doesn't it? I am starting to tap into a place in my brain and my spirit that has been needing release for a while now. I am loving seeing what I can create. More later on that but for now, check out my very first purse! The fabric is AMAZING! Love the gold, red and orange swirls! I can't wait to make more!

Sew Nice!

2010-09-17T10:28:00.005-04:00

One of my goals is to start making at least one gift for my family and friends for Christmas but these are an early preview because I have a wedding shower and a very important birthday present so... I skipped ahead and gave my Christmas early!

My most favoritest Karen is getting married! Below is her wedding shower present. The picture definitely doesn't do it justice. The fabric is in beautiful brick red, browns, and beiges. Very earthy. Her new home is a cabin in the woods so I thought the pattern was a perfect fit! I made double sided place mats and cloth napkins. The matching apron isn't really displayed but it came out super cute. It has pleats, a pocket, and a cute towel holder! Fancy... I know :)

My favorite Atlanta Sarah is hitting the big 3-0.She gets 6 months to test drive it before I do. She's starting over in a new apartment and I decided to warm it up with some fun colors. Again, the picture really doesn't do the fabric justice. This pattern is absolutely incredible in person. Sort of retro and bold but not aggravating. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! So who better to give my favorite set than one of my longest kept sister friends!

So... I'm very proud of my first sewing gifts! I cannot WAIT to give them and see their faces! I've got to get to going on Christmas and keep them until Christmas which is sometimes the hardest part. More creations to come.

Plague in my House!

2010-08-31T10:25:00.004-04:00

I am completely overwhelmed with STUFF!!!! Yikes! I'm finally getting around to moving all my JUNK into my apt (thankfully I have an extra room that is more storage closet than an actual room at this point) and now I'm FREAKING out at how much STUFF I have! It is BEYOND ridiculous! I'm wondering if I'm the only one who has a AVOIDANCE problem when it comes to cleaning out and throwing out!

I have to admit: I'm an Avoider Hoarder :(

I've moved close to 20 times in my 29 years ... yeah... that could be a big part of the problem. I've worked in the dump theory. Take everything and dump it in a box. Thus the reason I have stacks of boxes and plastic tubs overwhelming me. This has been a battle I've wanted to fight for a while now but it never made it under one roof and I haven't been still long enough to deal with it. I'm not spending a day in my 30s doing this. I've got about 6 months and my goal is to be out of stacks and have a craft room / library by March 17 2011. The race is on!

Unfortunately, the junk / dump theory runs deeper than paper and things. It is in my heart also. It is amazing how if you take a good look around your physical life, that deeper heart issues can become apparent. See, out of the overflow of the mouth the heart speaks. But out of the environment of our lives, our heart shouts!

Father, I need an intervention. Help me to climb this mountain of JUNK! Forgive me where I've taken the short cuts in packing but also in forgiveness. Sift with me through years of neglect and busyness. Help me find freedom and help others to find it too. Lord center me in your love and your perseverance.

Why do fools fall in love?

2010-08-26T12:30:00.003-04:00

So I am finishing up my very first musical and I am a wide range of emotions for sure!

I'm totally in love with performing! I love having an audience and hearing them laugh or have them tell me about how sad they got when my heart was broken in the play. I LOVE IT! Several asked if I really had tears in my eyes because they sparkled when I sang :)

I'm completely exhausted! This week has been really hard on the work aspect. I'm literally snoozing my alarm until the very last moment! Physically and emotionally spent!

I'm slightly sad to see it go. I've worked for 2 months solid on this play and after Saturday, it will be no more. Kind of a tender moment of goodbye will happen I'm sure.

I'm totally anxious to move to the next thing which is my Christmas presents! Yes Christmas! My goal this year is to make at least one homemade Christmas gift for all my friends and family. I have to start in September because I have a TON of friends and family. I'm thinking economically but more sentiment than anything. I want to give something that has heart and effort rather than a gift receipt.

I'm doing my best to not take things so seriously this week due to the swirling of emotions. Trying to rest and not make too much out of dirty dishes or messy rooms. I pick up as I can but I spend most of my time resting because the last three days need to be GREAT! I want to go out with a BANG! :)

The emotion I wasn't prepared for in all this was disconnection. I miss my friends and family time! My call back list is SO incredibly backed up. I'm at least 2 months behind on catching up with some of my favorite people in the world. I simply haven't had the energy or time. The phone dies, errands have to be run, and everything in between. YIKES! I see a small glimpse of motherhood, of running a full household, of managing a business, etc. I can see why friendships change and people go longer without communicating. I have a brief glance. Now I can be even more thankful that God fills my cup and He gives me what I can handle.

I'm ready for the spotlight but more than ever, I'm ready for what happens after!

I'd rather be lost than follow directions!

2010-08-24T13:16:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking about this quote a lot lately. One of my dear friends, Sharon, and I had a great conversation on being in our late twenties, single, and trying to stay focused on God. I have so many incredible women in my life that are struggling with this same issue.

How do we pursue God, keep ourselves open and available, but all this without looking and being TOO available?

How do we even date as we trust God in our society that pushes women to pursue and .com a man out of cyberspace?

How do we pursue God without being self righteous?

How do we get lost in Jesus when the loneliness and longing are all around us and every wedding, baby shower, holiday, etc. reminds us constantly that our two hasn't become one yet... we're still a one?

Not really sure about answers but as Sharon and I talked, I heard revelation come out of my mouth. We were discussing what we're looking for or needing and it hit me. "Sharon, we need Jesus." Sounds kind of religious or cheesy but at the very heart of every woman (or man for that matter) our true search is Jesus. Whether single or married, we can not provide nor be provided for soley on the backs of men.

Unfortunately, Christian divorce rates prove that believers are simply not getting that. Stability doesn't come from money nor marriage nor good health. It comes from peace in your spirit. Joy can't come from motherhood nor marital bliss alone. The well spring of our heart HAS to come from the resurrection of Jesus.

Ladies, we cannot put our needs on the backs of men or our brothers. We must constantly divert our roaming eye back to Jesus. There's a verse that says I've set my face like flint.

I've always thought that it was referring more to the solidness of faith but now I'm seeing flint with properties more like concrete. It is as if I have to twist my head forcing every sinew and muscle to become solid opposition to turning my head from God. Like layer after layer of concrete pouring over my neck so I can create a cast forcing my eyes to stay solid, always looking to Jesus for my wants and my needs.

It is not like marriage is all my friends and I think about but it is a constant flare of temptation. But just like everything else from our Heavenly Father, we cannot earn it, we cannot make it happen, and we cannot be sure of all the details. The more we dive into Dad's heart, the less we have want from people and the more we can trust Him to supply all our needs. When He does bring someone, our hearts will be full. There will be no need to suck another dry because of our wants.

The idea is ideal but I don't think it is lofty to believe that we, daughters of the Most High, could find rest and satisfaction in waiting upon the Lord.

Practical application for this journey:

pausing... asking...
What am I really needing right now?... How can I get it from God?

Sounds a little elementary but isn't that what Jesus was trying to get across to us. Faith is childlike. It isn't rocket science. Ask. Seek. Knock. Not hard.

Lord for me and those whom I love and the ones I may never know, help us to lose direction when it comes to loving and pursuing you. May we be so lost in our adventures with you that we forget the world's agenda. Father, help us to find our girl hood back. Help us to run and skip with you like we used to. Not because we're being groomed but just because we want to be with you. Bring out the wild women of worship and faith!

Flood Relief Needed

2010-08-20T08:19:00.004-04:00

Last night, I pulled out a sermon at random and listened while I cleaned house. The guy was Tim Elmore and the topic was Habitudes. One habitude in particular really hit home with me. It was the Rivers and Floods Habitude.

Basically, life visions (ministry visions, etc.) have the opportunity to become either rivers or floods. Rivers have direction. They have purpose and supply needs. (ex: electricity can come from rivers, vegetation, water source, etc) Floods however go everywhere at once. They take over. They take something good (water) and it can become a destroyer. Floods have no focus and they are unpredictable.

I've been wrestling with my life goals a lot lately. See, I used to take for granted that I would be in ministry doing what I love to do. But when burn out set in and unhealthy positions were given up, my life track took a gigantic detour. All of a sudden, who I was took some major land blast and I was in a whole new identity crisis.

When Tim was talking about Habitudes, it occured to me that I was more flood like than I want to be. I tried to do EVERYTHING! I still do. More and more stress and responsibility. More and more new things and challenges. I really haven't taken the time to hone in on what I love or what I'm called to. I spend most of the time fixing holes wherever I go. Problem is, I can do alot of things. I can teach, I can sing, I can create, I can administrate, I can organize, I can lead, I can follow, etc.

I can do all this stuff but because I tend to act on flood principles, they tend to be rushed or mediocre. I'm heading toward the big 3 - 0 and I honestly don't know what I want to do in life. It is a good reason why my career is at a stale mate. It is why I switch from one thing to the next. It is why I get the two year itch to move and change.

Have you ever had one of those moments when your world opened a little more and you realize you're not a kid anymore? Last night in my room I sat down with the weight of revelation and realized, it was time to grow up. I've been trying and striving to please God and please man and working on anything and everything, but truth hit. I don't want to be a flood. I don't want to come to the end of my life and have all of these projects started with little to no finishes. I don't want to be the girl known for everything but a woman known for the one thing she did with excellence.

Problem is, I don't know what that thing is. I've got to build up and reinforce the banks of my life. I've been flooding for a while now. I may need to drain and get lower in my doings just to see where the natural river path is.

I'm tired and weary and want a resting place. I know that is is Jesus. I'm turning in my wild flower / weed ways and moving towards a nicer, tamer one that grows with purpose and predictablity.

Now for the journey to really begin. I'm starting with research and reflection time. We'll see where it goes from there!

This thing called love!

2010-08-12T23:26:00.005-04:00

It is amazing how much man and woman trauma drama I witness and observe from the comforts of my office chair. It seems that more often than not, my coworkers always seem to get on the topic of relationships. We range from black to white, 29 to 53, from single (no kids) to divorced to single (with kids) to married more years than single. All in all, we are a tight knit group. We've got issues don't get me wrong but as a whole, we flow pretty well. My office only consist of 7 but I have 3 divisions within my department that I administrate for. We are a fun group so we usually have all kinds of other depts coming and going for business and pleasure.

The other day, a coworker from another dept came by. She is a hoot for sure. There is not a shy or subtle bone in her body... case in point... She is getting some paperwork she needs and we are goofing around when two guys from one of my divisions comes in. She gets caught up in telling the older married supervisor that she's looking for a man when he points to the younger single guy and says... well he's single. She starts putting on a show! There's no way to put it down properly (at least without giving WAY more info than the Internet needs :) ) but lets just say Blanche Devereaux could have taken notes from this chica. WOW!!!

The way she sachet and threw game was impressive and she left NO doubts what she meant or intended. I felt like a sheltered girl because I blushed, gasped, and was totally shocked. She went on later to compliment me... in a you could get men (in the most sexually explicit terms) way. I really didn't know what to say. The other girl in my office and I laughed / shifted did that really just happen looks back and forth and she left.

My heart really broke for this coworker. I saw that she was robing herself in sensuality for the price tag of love, or something in the neighborhood at least. I've gotten into conversations alot with coworkers at one point or another. Women who've sold out to the lie that if he at least has a job and doesn't hit me... well... he's a keeper.

I've been so blessed in the Godly men category. Through friendships I've been honored, cherished and loved. I've been encouraged and complimented. I know what a man who loves Jesus looks like.

In this single famine that I have going on, it is so easy not to see what I DO have. The greatest gift a girl/ guy could ever receive is HOPE. I have a hope in what marriage is and what it isn't. I've walked and listened and taken notes of what men of God look like, speak like, live like. So many of the people in my life (men and women alike) have let their hope slip due to lack of choices or loneliness. I've struggled in my mind too with that. What if I missed my opportunity? What if this is all there is here (name the town)? What if I'm being too picky? Should I do E-Harmony? Christian Singles? more bible studies? Send out flyers?

What ifs can tear down any semblance of hope a girl/guy has. I heard that bank tellers become experts in finding counterfeit money NOT by studying all the forgeries or new fake trends... but by memorizing the REAL bill itself. Fakes and phonies change all the time but when your eyes have memorized and truly KNOW the real deal, fakes don't stand a chance.

Single Ladies.
Single Gents.

WE HAVE TO study the REAL thing. We have to pursue holiness with our ENTIRE heart so we know it when we see it. If we dive into knowing the fruits of the spirit, we can see them in whomever comes along. We also will be able to throw out the bad apples!

The enemy is stealing, killing and destroying our relationships. He's made them cheap, tawdry reality TV shows rather than what Daddy God created them to be... A TEAM!

I looked at my coworker that day and thought... I'd rather be single. In NO way is that a slam on her or a judgement on her but I've seen the real deal and I can call a fake a fake.

The Spirit of the Lord has SOOOOO much more for us than a steamy physical fling that satisfies your lust but annihilates your heart. He has HOPE! He has a FUTURE!

Sometimes I can feel very out there and different from my surroundings. Today, the older supervisor told me: (keep in mind, he has a daughter my age)

I just want you to know that if I were a single man looking for a wife, you'd be the one I'd bother day after day until you finally said you'd go to Olive Garden with me :) Your the real deal.

That made my DAY! As I struggle so much to maintain holiness at work (some days better than others), God's light shines through my darkness. His words spoke hope into me. Singles, if we get off the roller coaster ride of searching for the next LOVE HIGH and let things happen as they may, we might find that we can actually enjoy walking single file in life. When my trust is secure in Jesus, I can bloom where I'm planted and love singleness. When I'm like my coworker, I'm make suicide bombing attempts to find the bulls eye in the mythical creature we call true love.

Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.

You are NOT your own. YOU were bought with a price.

HE took on our transgressions and the iniquity of us all and by HIS STRIPES, we are healed!

For my friends that are on the road alone (join the crowd), know this... His promises are true. He knows your who. He knows the where. He knows the when. Keep walking. Keep studying the REAL and discard fakes. The more you look... the less you find. The more you manipulate... the less cohesive.

There is a line from my musical that really has rolled in my head a lot. My character is exposing for the first time out loud that her marriage is over. She married a man that cheated on her before and she married him anyway. Rocket Science I know! Of course he continued cheating on her. When she's breaking down and talking to her friends, she says:

"Consider yourself deceived. Well for that matter, consider myself deceived. I was so caught up in the idea of finding the perfect husband, I just said yes to the first dreamy, handsome fool that came along"

WOW! What a devastating price we can pay when we choose feelings over wisdom. When sex drive overshadows Spirit leading. I found the following videos enlightening. We have to KNOW the real deal. We have to study God to recognize godliness.

I found this series. MUST see. I recommend following YouTube with the rest of the videos if possible.

Thesbian Lament

2010-08-08T22:08:00.003-04:00

Everything is a mess. My musical opens THIS week. My lines are shaky, my character even worse, and my singing... let's NOT even go there. In the quiet when I'm practicing or memorizing lines, I KNOW THIS STUFF! It is in my head. I have ideas. I know the words. I sing the right part.

*SIGH*

And then I get on stage in the mix of all the movement and the mike taped to my face.

B D
R O
E W
A N
K !

My mom asked me if I'm trying too hard.

Part of it is that. But part of it is that I'm afraid that I'm not enough.

Failure and I know each other but we're not friends. We're more like estranged cousins that act awkwardly with one another. I don't like to fail. I don't like disappointing people. I don't like not being able to do what I'm supposed to do. I don't like this process of tearing down and criticizing and fixing, fixing, fixing

I'm starting to see more and more that my confidence is only skin deep. How am I to sell myself to a packed house when I haven't convinced myself that I am Millie. I can sing her part, say her lines, and tell her story. A shroud of fear is muffling my true character.

The more I try and strive, the less I accomplish. Funny how that also happens in life. Its like the storm where Jesus is sleeping in the boat. I WANT TO SLEEP IN THIS STORM. I NEED PEACE! I NEED SERENITY!

But...

I can't find it in my trying and striving.

I can't see it in my co stars' eyes.

I can't hear it in my directors' voices.

I'm looking for love and peace in all the wrong places.

Like a farmer who buried treasure in his field and can't remember where to find it. I've been digging like a mad woman! I've thrown down the shovel and hand after hand of dirt has been flying around like a tornado.

Jesus! You are my peace! YOU are the lifter of my head. YOU are my hiding place. YOU are everything strong and dynamic. YOU!

It seems so silly and simple doesn't it? I mean, OF COURSE Jesus is my peace. But it is SO easy to section your heart out into mini closets and walled off rooms. When I was teaching people of God's love and His thoughts, I could stand really strong and say... "God is your peace. He loves you. He's your all in all." But on stage, while I've got all eyes on me, disappointed or frustrated because I still can't remember what to say or how to say it or can't hit my note to save my life... In this spotlit place, I totally abandon everything that has been proven to me OVER and OVER again because I've been choosing to believe that they're right.

Daddy, I break that agreement right now in the name of Jesus! I am fearfully and wonderfully made! You have not brought me this far to leave me! GREATER is He that is in me than he that is in the world.

Lord I submit my "green" self to you. Lord, I submit my work and efforts. My striving. My hurt feelings and my much deflated ego and pride. In the broken places that these past few weeks have brought out. Here are the shards of what I thought broken by what I found. I'm not sure what or why things have hit and settled like they have but I know that every step has been ordained and planted by you and filtered through your hands and purposed to help me find your heart.

I'm listening. I'm trying to. I'm straining over the storm and the crashing waves. I don't want to be afraid anymore. Lord, help me to reflect and honor you with whatever "performance" comes about. Help me to get it not just for the stage, but also, the deeper meaning and truth that is held within the script and songs.

This was supposed to be fun and it still can be. In the process of fun, the inner cup of my heart has spilled out and its dirty and stale. Freshen my heart. Flow out on me LIVING water. Increase my taste for your spirit and wells of LIFE.

Lord, I confess I've been found empty and far away. Thank you for showing me that. I'm ready for an oil change. Fill me up. I'm yours.

Claw Clippers

2010-07-12T21:57:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I have a post that captures my entire being and I cannot rest until I get it out... be prepared... it is one of those kind of post!

If you EVER want to pull out every frailty or self esteem issue you hide and package neatly and put them into the ugly spotlight... Get cast in a play!

WOW!!! I've always wanted to do drama and musicals. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a complete nerd who walks (or saunters) with a song for every situation. I am a loud, funny, center of attention type who has a low embarrassment rate. Right? That's what I thought!

O!

NO!

Apparently that girl hasn't showed up to a single drama practice. Backing up, I finally tried out for the local theater and not only did I get cast but I gained the lead part! WHAT?!!!? I was shocked, proud, scared to death, etc. I've been inviting people. People changing their plans around it... and ... AND...

I TOTALLY SUCK AT IT!!!! Why? Is it my singing? Not really... I need major work on harmonies but I can hold my own. Is it my acting? Not totally. I'm behind the game in that it is my first real production but I've been front and center before. What is it then?

It is my ISSUES!!! Wow! 29 1/3 years of rejection, of intimidation, of performance driven, needing approval, JUNK!!!

What started out as fun and I've always wanted to do this has become "O MY GOODNESS! WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO?"

Its not that I can't or am unwilling to do what needs to be done it is this junk room in my heart that is loaded with death talk. Ex: I was struggling with learning my lines last week (first week of rehearsals) and I totally imagined a million and one ways to get out of this. Fake an illness. Get hit by a car. Move to Florida. (yes... my head thinks crazy with flamboyance)

Tonight at our first music practice, I hit crazy notes, couldn't hit notes (when he say sing this and hit my note) and cracked on my solo parts. Amazing how that doesn't happen in private.

That's when my running shoes pop out of the closet and escapes start formulating left and right. Honestly, if I had allowed myself to continue the comparison game I probably would have asked the director if I could be excused. One of the girls in the show was having problems too. She got upset and left as soon as we were excused.

She hasn't been super nice to me. Two of the girls in fact have been quite catty all last week. Talking over me when we were off set. Picking up critiques whenever the Director pointed them out being some kind of mean girl amen girls. Flaws and mistakes and hesitations have been splashed in my face over and over again.

As I watched her get upset and try to hide it, I realized something. This is part of it. Stage is a melting pot for insecurities. True, some hide it better than others. Some draw strength from them in forms of pride and arrogance. Others become people pleasers and totally obsessed with perfection. Others quit or hide.

Tonight, I walked toward my fears. I approached the director and asked for help. The music director is going to loan me his keyboard, the director is loaning me his time, and me... I'm loaning my heart.

As I looked on the hurt of my costar, I realized something. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. I'm not going to be Doris Day. I'm a FAR FAR cry from Broadway, but regardless of all these things that I am not, I am a child of God. I have the immense love of an eternal God. How will this play out? Not sure. I do know that I'm praying to not be a performer. I'm praying for wisdom not script. I'm praying for forgiveness not perfection.

I'm over my head. I'm not necessarily the best candidate but I do know that my steps have been ordered by the Lord. This was not missed on His radar. My purpose is greater than fame and praise... it's love.

Jesus, help me know that it all comes down to love.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

2010-06-18T13:03:00.005-04:00

I really wish I were a painter or could draw. The pictures in my mind are so vivid and clear. I often lament that I should write movie scripts or books because I can't dream silly. I dream full blown drama. Most of it is Lifetime esk. Not sure how healthy that is.

Last night the image I had as I was making my final mumblings before sleep was this:

I saw myself prostrate in mud. I was dirty. It was raining on my head and I was clawing with all I had in the dirt towards a cross. I kept being snatched from behind (like the chick from Taken) but I kept clawing my way back.

The intensity of the dream still hangs with me. The desperate act moves my heart still.

Yesterday, my Sister-in-law and I were talking about a woman who lost her mother to suicide and her son to a tractor accident in less than 72 hours of one another. She was wondering how does someone live with that. How can you have that much devastation and have any remote chance of loving God? My answer was that no matter what, nothing and noone is worth losing your eternity over. I said God somehow shows up in the midst of everything, we just have to hold on and see.

Today I'm alone for a little while in my office and those words come back to me. There are so many things snatching me and whipping at me. People, commitments, to-dos, finances all want my attention, my time, my money, my life. I truly don't know what that woman is feeling. I can't begin to understand that level of loss yet I do know what having your world crash down, your face in the mud, and literally clawing for any faith or hope or peace at all. I know how it is to not be able to handle one more word of theology, scripture thrown at you, or "I'll pray for you." I've been that girl. Depending on the day, I am that girl.

At the end of the day, when the sh*t has hit the fan and nothing is left standing. Not who you were. Not who you thought you were. Not all the right answers, christianese sayings or songs, not a friend, not a book, not NOTHING at all

There is a cross. There is Jesus. There is a Savior who (if you take out all churchy stuff) took all my junk, my mess ups, my issues, etc. and laid down his life for me and for you. That's all. Nothing else matters. Nothing tops that. Nobody does it better than Jesus.

I don't know what you've been through. I don't know what your mud pit looks like or feels like but I do know that Jesus is the ONLY way to get through the crap parts of life. Only He can make sunshine happen after the absolute worst devastations this world has to offer. Dig down into the mud and claw with every last bit of your strength, abandoning dignity and pride, and one hand hold after another claw your way towards the Cross. The cross cannot be hidden and darkness cannot disguise it. He is there. Waiting. Redeeming. Healing. Sustaining.

Nobody does it better. Nobody does it 1/2 as good as you Jesus!

There may be an I in Kingdom, but it is swallowed by KING!

2010-06-16T12:46:00.000-04:00

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame.
Song of Solomon 8:6 New Living Translation (©2007)

The words of the church to Christ which follow, entreat an abiding place in his love, and protection by his power. Set me as a seal upon thine heart; let me always have a place in thine heart; let me have an impression of love upon thine heart. Of this the soul would be assured, and without a sense thereof no rest is to be found. Those who truly love Christ, are jealous of every thing that would draw them from him; especially of themselves, lest they should do any thing to provoke him to withdraw from them. If we love Christ, the fear of coming short of his love, or the temptations to forsake him, will be most painful to us. No waters can quench Christ's love to us, nor any floods drown it. Let nothing abate our love to him. Nor will life, and all its comforts, entice a believer from loving Christ. Love of Christ, will enable us to repel and triumph over temptations from the smiles of the world, as well as from its frowns. {taken from Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on Song of Solomon 8:6}

From Mrs. Donna's email:
When Miley talked about “someone else getting the credit for our idea”, this really stayed in my mind. I think it is because when we are truly “one body”, credit doesn't matter because it is God's. It takes all of us fitting perfectly together to allow the “glory” to be only God’s. It takes right attitudes, sweet relationship and uncanny love. The Lord began teaching me this early on when Jimmy and I first married. For years, probably the first twelve years of our married life, I got to be first Jimmy’s, then Jimmy and Tom’s "groupie"…..following them around to all their gigs, loving every minute of the time they simply worshipped inviting others to join in…the Lord made it very real to me that Jimmy and I are one and whatever he does, I am doing and there was no division…no jealously….no, hey look at me, I’m here too…just pure joy that God was letting us express our life in Him through their/our (no, I never sang or played an instrument, but I wrapped up a lot of cords) music and worship. Later as life changed for us and Jimmy began following me around to everything the Lord called me to, although he often times carried the load financially and physically, we were a team and there was no desire on Jimmy’s part to say, “hey, she gets to do this because I let her”….just oneness. Sometimes, that oneness had to be worked out at home before we ventured out, but most of the time that oneness always won out. When we went to bed on Sunday night I was thinking about our Wellspring time under the oaks, down by the courthouse and how not one person can claim that as “their” idea but how God just used the body on one given night to come together in worship, unity and get to reflect Him and His heart. On that same night, God gave us the idea of singing songs over Angel, he didn’t just whisper that in one ear, but in the ear of several people….we didn’t hold on to that as “ours” but it was His and in His time, He brought it to being at the perfect moment. He used the body to make that happen, if any one of us had considered it to be our idea, we could have promoted it, but it would not have been the same, it could have been good, but most likely not complete.

_______________________________________________________________

There is a swirl going in my head that must come out. The above quotes are clashing into a dumbfounding truth. God is wanting a whole bride. I know that sounds so silly and "duh!" but He truly wants all of us (Christians) to be in oneness, in unity. We have carved Mt. Rushmore in what is supposed to be a smooth stone. Meaning, leaders of the Christian movement have carved their name (or followers have for them) out of what God meant to be whole. We've shouted to the world "look at me" "listen to me" "I know it best" "read my book" "buy my movies" "ME ME ME!" There is the Bill Johnson groupies, the Beth Moore clan, the fill in the blank movement. Follow this church! Listen to this guy! Do her study! Carve another face in Christ's flesh.

DANG! How is it we miss such a simple truth? It is not about me or you or fill in the blank. It truly is about God. I've been in the groupie section before. Believing that a person was more special somehow to God. More spiritual. Had done more to earn God's highest honor. wow! Sounds crazy but it is how the big players in Christianity are percieved. That is why we as a people are devestated when they fall, divorce, or stray from the fold.

Ephesians 4: 1-6, 16
Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism, and one God and Father, who is over all and in all and living through all. He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

When you or I carve out a spot and say "That's mine!" "I found that out." "God told me that" we might as well be tagging a building with Jesus' face with our graffitti.

Technology Lament

2010-06-04T10:42:00.006-04:00

"Right now, we are connected to more people and known by less." - Jon Acuff

Wow. That statement really hit home. I've talked alot with God about that recently but didn't frame it in such a clear way. I've been wanting to go back to pioneer days (with better health care and without the scalping). Times when you worked with your hands, talked face to face, and the day was not timed nor scheduled so that you tried to fit in 20 hours into one day.

What would the world be like if you only interacted with those you could touch and see in person? I love my long distance friends but I wonder if sometimes they don't keep me from pursuing more friendships with local folks.

What would my work life be if my hands were responsible for creating and my name and integrity were sacred to me?

How much time would I spend actually pursuing God instead of updating Him in between appointments and people?

I love that the world is open and my questions and curiosity has unlimited access but in a sense, I feel like it is too much. Like a child in a play pen, I had everything I needed though simple and familiar. Before cell phones, facebook, Internet, email, twitter, etc. I had empty times when something charged up or plugged up were of little to no use to me. I had silent spaces when I played and explored my imagination. I could sit for ours staring outside at the sky or watch nature. I didn't need to know who died in Hollywood, who was murdered in Peru, what tensions were mounting in the middle east. There is such a peace that comes with ignorance. Ignorance is bliss.

I know there are many great things with being connected. Again, I would not willingly give up a single one of my long distance friends but with the joy that connectedness brings, a sorrow also comes when loneliness sets in because your relationship has a portal instead of a face. Instead of a hug, you get a text. Instead of coffee on a deck, you drink alone while talking on the phone. As small as the world has gotten, I still feel so small and isolated in a sea of people.

I wonder if God feels this way too. When I give him status updates instead of my heart. When I give him a running agenda instead of my time. When I merely reply instead of truly talk with him. I wonder if this whole Internet, 3G 4G thing was really his inspiration or rather a road to walk farther and farther away.

I want real: flesh, skin, embrace, smiles. I want more from life than what a screen can show or send. I want my friends to live on my street and meet me for walks in the park. I want my cake and eat it too.

My love language is quality time and my tank is very low. Instead of phone calls and messages, I want face to face interaction with the people I love. I want drop ins to my home and movie nights on my sofa.

Most of my days are spent chasing others. Pursuing time with others. Driving to their house, meeting them, calling them. Moving, moving, moving towards...

On my balcony, I had a beautiful Juliet moment. I sighed and lamented. My Prince heard and cherished me with His love. I love how He loves me. In all my frustration with others, I have felt more pursued by His Spirit. He visits me and loves me without trying and without effort. I appreciate how He speaks my love language with fluency. He wraps me up in grace and truth. No portals... just face to face time with Jesus. Times like last night make me long more and more for Heaven. When the screen of this life is removed and the fullness of Christ is no longer veiled. That will be when my heart is truly free. Until then, my balcony rendezvous will be a cherished event.

Jesus is my hope &

2010-06-03T23:27:00.001-04:00

Jesus is my hope & salvation. My rock & redeemer. Picked my feet from the miry clay. Maker of beauty from ashes. Have your way lord. I trust you!

3 years later, I'm still

2010-06-03T23:25:00.001-04:00

3 years later, I'm still recovering from the losses in KC. One slice in particular is fighting to topple me. Death is where life begins. Kill it!

I'm perched on my balcony

2010-05-27T23:57:00.001-04:00

I'm perched on my balcony waiting on romeo, trusting he won't miss his cue, reminding myself to stay in my scene, & trusting the Director's on it

Crafty Nature 2

2010-05-14T11:06:00.004-04:00

Here is a diaper cake I made for a coworker of mine. She's hosting a baby shower. This is my first paid for cake. I only charged her the expenses of supplies. What would you have charged? I'm very much NOT good at the money end of things :(

A nation that prays together, stays together

2010-05-06T15:35:00.004-04:00

Meet the Honorable Stephen Breyer. At our prayer service today we were given cards of our local, state, and federal leaders. Judge Breyer is mine. I thought that today was the best prayer services I've been to. The details that went into the service were amazing. I was given a program, a handout about what the National Day of prayer is, a bookmark with our local leaderships prayer, and a postcard to a leader of our gov't. Along with that, I have a heart that is now taped to my desk computer reminding me to prayer for the hearts of America. AMAZING! I made copies of Judge Breyer's photo and address to put on my fridge at home and at my desk at work.

What would happen if we really prayed for our nation? What would our gov't reflect if we dove straight into God's heart on their behalf?

What if?

Well... I'm going to test this theory by taking seriously what was given and praying for Judge Breyer. I would encourage all to do the same. Google a Supreme Court leader or a Senator. What if your prayers and mine changed a nation? What if?

Here is the prayer on my bookmark:

Lord,

We are thankful for the abundant blessings You have bestowed on America. Our forefathers looked to You as Protector, Provider, and the Promise of hope. But we have wandered far from that firm foundation. May we repent for turning our backs on Your faithfulness. We pray that this great nation will be restored by Your forgiveness. From the state of despair, You offer peace. From the bounties of Heaven, You have blessed - not because of our goodness - but by Your grace.

You have given us freedom to worship You in spirit and in truth as Your holy Word instructs. May our lives honor You in word and deed. May our nation acknowledge that all good things come from the Father above.

President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed that our nation should set apart a day for national prayer to confess our sins and transgressions in sorrow, "yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon... announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations only are blessed whose God is the Lord."

"We have vainly imagined in the deceitfulness of our own hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own... we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and persevering grace, too proud to pray to the God who made us! It behooves us then... to confess our national sins and to pray for clemency and forgiveness."

Help us to pray earnestly for our president and leaders who govern, that they will humble themselves and seek Your guidance so that everything we do will shine the light of Your glory in a darkened world.

May our prayers as a people and a nation be heard and blessed for such a time as this. We make this plea in faith, believing in the mighty name of Jesus our Lord.

Amen

Training Needed:

2010-05-05T13:18:00.005-04:00

More than ever I'm understanding that I have absolutly NO dating / how to meet men skills.

Example:

Lunch today... Crowded bistro... Guy behind me pulls his chair out and bumps me.

He turns... Smiles and says

Guy: "hey... I'm so sorry"
Me: "that's ok"
Guy: "I guess I just wanted to say hey"
Me: ...................
Guy: (waiting... smiling)
Me: .........(smile)...........
Guy: (walked away)

Yep! I'm a player for sure :(

Truth Hurts : But it also sets you free!

2010-05-03T18:12:00.007-04:00

Today was a day of raw reality. Today is a day of dawning truth and overcoming. Today is the day God pegged me with light and I'm acknowledging/confronting the sin.

It is so hard to start a post like this because there are so many sections. Bitterness and jealousy have become a lake that feeds into many streams of my life.

Since coming back to my home turf, I've taken a job that is dead in the heart of an ancient battle ground. This area (like so many others) has steeped into the marrow of social culture what I call the principle of "us and them". The "us and them" principle is one that creates a line drawn in the sand that separates and divides what was whole into a side clearly marked as "us (or me)" and "them". It can be something as simple as a football team or more complicated like race, economic background, or denomination of church. The "us" finds a cause that is based on view point or visual difference and separates from the group. The "us" then makes a motto, creates some uniformity of opinion and sometimes supplies t-shirts. The "us" will propagate for recruits and will find every reasonable (and unreasonable if it sounds good) detail that will keep the "them" at arms length. "Us" might interact with the "them" but only as a show of superiority or trying to look like "us" is the bigger person.

At the simple, basic underbelly of the "us and them" principle are three major factors: division, judgement, and hate.

Racism is a deep dark wound here in the south. There is so much unspoken, undealt with sin that it has a very real giant demon that sits in the heat of the southern sun dominating politics, education, and every day life. As a native southern girl, I have seen my share of injustices, heard my share of vulgar, racist talk, and experienced my share of racist actions. In 29 years of living, I have never struggled so hard with this demon as I have since I started working in local government. Walking into almost any office, my white skin can set off a number of demonic manifestations of racism. In all my other jobs, I faced other "us and them"s but could always find a way to fight off and fight against entanglements with race. I had honestly felt that I had somehow overcome the race war. And then I got a job in the hot seat.

Today the Lord gave me an opportunity to humble my heart. I knew I was battling questions and situations but did not see that I had started making lines in the sand and separating myself by color. Shamefully and with a broken heart I admit that I have allowed my perceptions and hurtfully things said and done to build distance (even so slightly) and became an "us". My "us" didn't start out waving a race flag. It seemed a natural course of thought as injustices experienced and seen started to become a catalog of thoughts and judgements. I took on what was happening around me and instead of laying it at Jesus' feet, I began to build my separate house on the sand with a mailbox marked "us".

Wow... Even as I type this, my mind is flooded with both guilt and shame as I see how I've changed in the past few months. My exterior seems intact but my interior has been a seeping cesspool of judgement, bitterness, and jealousy. My heart was on a road that was headed toward a land I never wanted to go. Like a interstate with sparse exits, racism can take you to a land that fewer and fewer return from the longer they travel the road. No matter where you are on this road of destruction know this: God has NOT called you to "us". He has called you to Him. He makes the "us" and "them" a "we". We are called to the body of Christ. There is no separation for those in Christ Jesus. There is ONE faith. ONE Lord. ONE body. ONE!

Ephesians 4
1I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called,

2With all lowliness and meekness, with long suffering, forbearing one another in love;

3Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

4There is one body, and one Spirit, even as ye are called in one hope of your calling;

5One Lord, one faith, one baptism,

6One God and Father of all, who is above all, and through all, and in you all.

O GOD!!! Here is the secret places of my heart. The places I've separated from others based on skin and background. Here are the thoughts and attitudes that I've hidden as a banner expecting ashes to produce anything but death... as if it could without your touch. Spirit... breathe on the ashes of our broken land and our wicked hearts. Tear down our "us" house. Help me to see the lines I've drawn and in your will and in your might, wash your spirit like a tide washes the sea shore. Forgive me for how I've fed the demon of racism in my city, in my state, in my country. How can I remove the spec in my nation when I'm blinded by my own plank? Thank you God that you are the great artist who has chosen a wonderful array of colors to paint your people. Help me to see the beauty in who we are as a bride. Give me strength lay down sacrificially for her as you do.

We are the body!
We are made in the image of God!
We are the rainbow of a promised nation!
We...

Pardon me, your epidermis is showing, sir
I couldn't help but note your shade of melanin
I tip my hat to the colorful arrangement
Cause I see the beauty in the tones of our skin

We've gotta come together
And thank the Maker of us all

CHORUS:
We're colored people, and we live in a tainted place
We're colored people, and they call us the human race
We've got a history so full of mistakes
And we are colored people who depend on a Holy Grace

A piece of canvas is only the beginning for
It takes on character with every loving stroke
This thing of beauty is the passion of an Artist's heart
By God's design, we are a skin kaleidoscope

We've gotta come together,
Aren't we all human after all?

Ignorance has wronged some races
And vengeance is the Lord's
If we aspire to share this space
Repentance is the cure

Well, just a day in the shoes of a color blind man
Should make it easy for you to see
That these diverse tones do more than cover our bones
As a part of our anatomy

We're colored people, and they call us the human race
[Oh, colored people]
We're colored people, and we all gotta share this space
[Yeah we've got to come together somehow]
We're colored people, and we live in a tainted world
[Red and yellow, black and white]
We're colored people, every man, woman, boy, and girl
[Colored people, colored people,
colored people, colored people, yeah]

Colored People
DC Talk

Tug of War

2010-05-02T13:42:00.004-04:00

"He could hardly bear to think it... but this... this was the great hope for which they were all created. For this moment.
There was nothing else that could possibly matter other than to hold the hand of the one who'd formed you with his breath."

"The man turned away from the scene and paced. He ran his fingers through his gray hair, deep in thought. 'I made them. I wove them together in the secret place, I knit them in the mother's womb.'
'All their days were ordained, written in my book. They are my poem created for such wonders.' His eyes lifted to Thomas. 'But I gave them their won book and let them write in it. Now look what they have done.'"

Declaration for America

2010-04-26T14:35:00.003-04:00

In light of the book I'm reading (Karen Zacharias), I'm not entirely sure where I fall but something struck me about the following declaration a friend of mine brought back from Bill Johnson's church in Redding, CA. I don't believe that money = favor of God but I do believe as Christians we have access (behind the scenes passes) to the blessing and favor of God. Now whether He gives or doesn't remains a mystery to me but as long as I breathe, I want to be asking, seeking, and knocking. My love or feeling of being loved is not based on the answer but I'm pursuing my most favoritest person therefore, I come boldly and ask these things for America.

So Lord we ask you for:

Favor for our city with CEO’s, Government leaders & Kings.
Manufacturing firms that produce goods for the nations and provide new jobs for our people.
Technology to establish new markets, energy sources, and efficient solutions to grow as a population.
Laws & Courts that measure with the justice and the freedom of our land’s Constitution.
Civil servants that encourage entrepreneurs.
Media known for wisdom & truth.
Natural resources released, harvested, sold & reproduced.
Education, books, and Universities that develop mind molders who influence the influential.
Capital to build small businesses that provide services, arts and culture attracting both young and old.
Medical community known for integrity and excellence.
Repentance from poverty, small thinking, and envy.
Courage to recognize opportunities and make wealth.
Abundance to bless the world and the Prudence to save and invest.
Revelation to pass on wealth to our children’s children…
So we declare that when the righteous prosper, the city rejoices!

Raw Realities of Prosperity Gospel

2010-04-24T15:29:00.003-04:00

"and I'm pretty sure God would rip the gonads off anyone who pimped out a child in Jesus' name."

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places

2010-04-22T11:12:00.008-04:00

I was looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces
Searching your eyes, looking for traces
Of what.. I'm dreaming of...
Hopin' to find a friend and a lover
God bless the day I discover
Another heart, lookin' for love
- Waylon Jennings

Sometimes God likes to teach an oldie and goldie lesson to you. The most classic Christian struggle. Chasing other loves. WOW! This lesson is like a broken record. I keep coming around to it... SKIP ... Round to it ... SKIP. Please God let me GET it.

There is so much history and background yet this is a blog, not a novel so short version:

I've got issues!

I thrive on words of affirmation. It is my love language. It fills my cup. It is my drug of choice. Problem is: It is totally dependent on others. My friend did a blog on fragrances. The truth ringing in her words has been marinating on me. I'm not bathing. I truly am not going to the water of God's word (spoken or written) and getting naked and bathing. Instead I'm using spritzer. A breath mint. A swipe of deodorant. A change of clothes. None of these makes me clean. Everyone else may or may not notice I am not quite as fresh but I know I'm not.

When I get really toxic, I find myself hiding. Not really out right all the time but I get busy and pack my schedule. I don't have time for my sister friends. I'm late returning calls. I find myself hanging around folks that smell too. Kind of like homeless people: if they hang together, the smell doesn't offend.

As I am taking in account all of this, I finally laid in my bed Tuesday night and stripped down with Daddy God. As I talked out loud, I felt the layers come off. Old socks. Musty T-shirt. All of it. I had to press through the process. I felt stupid but I knew I had to get it out! As I released my junk, peace began to wash over like waves.

Therefore, brothers, since we have boldness to enter the sanctuary through the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that He has inaugurated for us, through the curtain (that is, His flesh); and since we have a great high priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, our hearts sprinkled [clean] from an evil conscience and our bodies washed in pure water. Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works, not staying away from our meetings, as some habitually do, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
Hebrews 10: 19-25

Like a preteen boy, I truly have fought bathing with God. I have found excuses, distractions, and justifications. It wasn't until I got a whiff of my own heart that I was ready to dive in. Smells truly do help us into action. I'm so thankful to wrestle with this issue now, while I have access to plenty of private time with the Lord. It is so much easier to lay bare when God is your audience. I think thats why Paul talked about singles being able to purse God with all their heart. Times like this, I truly see the blessings of God in this phase of my story.

If nothing else, I have learned the importance of sniffing myself :) And the importance of having others sniff.

To quote my favorite Mama Pace: What is that smell?

Restlessness - Heart of Yuck!

2010-04-14T11:37:00.003-04:00

Today is a very bad, most awful, should have stayed home kind of day. I had a potty run in the middle of the night and therefore messed up my REM cycle. I woke up late, got to work late, and my temper is edgy.

There is a dissatisfaction that is growing in me and I really don't know what to do about it. I'm having conflict with one of my co-workers (two by default) and my I want to quit and find something new button is flaring up! This is one of the things I like least about myself. I tend to want to change states, jobs, friends, etc. rather than ride things out. YUCK! I'm talking about it because I desperately want God to fix this button.

The thing about dissatisfaction is that it can eat your money, your time, and your peace. As I think about my sky high credit card balance I wish I would have called things out sooner.

Truth: I would like to change careers. I would like to make more money. I would like to move on to something else.

The problems don't lie in the truths but in the coping mechanism that I've developed as I wait.

Throughout my childhood, mom BOUGHT my feelings.

Had a bad day at school, go buy a new outfit.
Had a great day at school, go treat yourself to a new purse.

Money became contingent on what could change my feelings. If I had money... I was great! If I didn't but had credit... Still great!

Problem is: I haven't quite put away childish things.

I've really struggled this past few weeks with making wise choices. It is so frustrating when the enemy your dealing with lives INSIDE you.

I've wanted to buy what I can't afford.
I wanted to fix what I did not break nor should not have been (nor felt) responsible for.
I've wanted to lash out on people I think are wrong.
I've wanted to leave what I don't want to deal with.
I've wanted to give up on the long projects of my life.

YUCK! YUCK! YUCK!

Now it is time to get my big girl panties on!

I've got lots of judgements, fears, and impatience to wade through. Not to mention laundry and dishes piling up in the sink.

Dissatisfaction attacks every race, every gender, and every socioeconomic level. Take a look at the magazines at the grocery store. Money nor fame can keep you from wanting more or desiring something else.

Lord, I confess to you that I need a heart change. More than I need money, or friends, or stuff. I need to understand the fullness of Jesus in my life. Tune my ear to wisdom's voice. Still my heart in the midst of storms. Teach me to sleep in peace when in the midst of war.

Misty Edwards
Lovesick lyrics

I am lovesick, for my Beloved
My Beloved and my Friend
Only YOU can satisfy

Try as I may to chase another Lover,
I find there is, there is no other
For only YOU can satisfy

And happy am I, to live a hungry life
Blessed am I, to thirst
Disillusionment, it is my gift within
I am blessed, I am blessed among men!

To be lovesick, for my beloved
My beloved and my friend
Only YOU can satisfy

Try as I may to chase another Lover,
I find there is, there is no other

All the other Lovers fade away
Only YOU can satisfy

And happy am I, to live a hungry life
And blessed am I, to thirst
My desire for You, it is my gift within
I am blessed, I am blessed among men!

This is the generation is trying everything
This is the generation of Jacob
This is the generation doubt all those things

Only YOU can satisfy

This is the generation is looking for the face of God
This is the generation of Jacob
This is the generation
Searching for face of God
And only YOU can satisfy

The Spirit and the bride, we say, come!
We say come

(IHOP: International House Of Prayer)

Shift Happens

2010-04-06T10:40:00.006-04:00

Joyce Meyer scored a huge heaven point when she wrote "The Battlefield of the Mind". Thoughts are like relatives, you don't always know where they come from or how long they are staying but you definitley are stuck with them for the long haul!

I have some very destructive thought patterns that I've taken 20+ years to develop. Ever since God's shame revelation, I've been flooded with stress and diversions. The difference being, that pulling the stronghold of shame into the light has made a HUGE difference. Things that would normaly stay in the shadows and latch on are being seen and dealt with. Its like major shifts are happening.

Case in point: I've been commandeered into being in charge of an auction. I was supposed to HELP and now I am the point person on a team of one. Yep... That's right. I'm not the one and only. Anger, frustration, helplessness have tried to jump me this week. But God is strengthening my identity through His absolute love and pleasure of me. By addressing my identity, I am able to really focus on the tasks at hand. Works flooding, choirs flooding, family obligations are flooding yet the truth of God makes dry land. Sounds kind of drastic but it really is.

God put Prov 4:25-27 in my heart this week:

"Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don't get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil."

I'm finding that the dry ground God provides is easier to distinguish when my heart is full of truth and love. When distractions and lies come across, a shift happens within my mind. The lies and distractions don't have a shadow to hide in. I still have floods waiting to consume me, but keeping my eyes straight on the path of truth, I really do walk on solid ground.

Psalm 40:2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New American Standard Bible (©1995)
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.

GOD'S WORD® Translation (©1995)
He pulled me out of a horrible pit, out of the mud and clay. He set my feet on a rock and made my steps secure.

King James Bible
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.

Fault Lines

2010-04-01T23:37:00.004-04:00

I've had these revolving questions in my head all day:
What are fault lines? How many are there? Is this what I'm dealing with in my life?

In geology, a fault is a planar fracture in rock in which the rock on one side of the fracture has moved with respect to the rock on the other side. Large faults within the Earth's crust result from differential or shear motion, and active fault zones are the causal locations of most earthquakes. Energy release during rapid slippage along faults causes earthquakes.

A fault line is the surface trace of a fault, the line of intersection between the fault plane and the Earth's surface.[1]

Since faults do not usually consist of a single, clean fracture, geologists use the term fault zone when referring to the zone of complex deformation associated with the fault plan. (Wikipedia)

I feel last weekend highlighted some major shifts in my character. I'm coming face to face in some slippage of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. There are some places in my life where I can see some major fractures. I've analyzed these off and on and come to a realization that I have been shooting from the hip and have strayed from my line.

Lately, I've been drawing without a stable tool keeping me in a focused direction. The bible says "without a vision, my people perish" Prov 29:18.

I have been on a dream crashing journey for quite awhile now. So much of who I am today would not have been close to be acceptable to who I was 15 years ago. 15 years ago, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I would be serving in a foreign country as a missionary. I wanted to be in Africa, in a hut, telling people about Jesus. I even came close to going but was confirmed over 4 different ways that that was not God's plan for me. What was left after the crash and burn of dreams was a huge cavern of identity crisis. For whatever reason, I have a desperately hard time truly accepting God's love for me. In some way or another, I battle performance and religious based sacrificing of self to earn God's love and approval. It has been so hard allowing my heart and "service to the Lord" to relax, learn to rest, and truly hone in on God's heart for the day.

I feel a lot like California. Some of my old self and new truth is cracking surfaces creating monster collisions. I am at a standstill in my job (due to being passed over for a job) and really not knowing what direction am I going in. I considered for the first time in almost two years that I might not be done with a call to ministry. I really thought about this concept of faults. Who would I be right now if I never left the church I was in? Could I have survived the brute opposition I was facing without going under it?

See... Faults and fault lines don't always make cliffs and valleys. Sometimes they completely bury one another.

Prov 16: 9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps.

In all the earthquakes that I've experienced over life, I don't think I ever thought about looking at the fault marks. I certainly felt the brunt of the clash but did not consider looking at what was actually breaking against each other. In my black and white world, I missed the underbelly foundation restoration that was banging, cracking, and jutting.

Like with my physical health and diet: I totally missed that the clash shame and truth were having as I battle for health. I brushed it off as depression or laziness when the fault lines were emerging from years of ridicule and lack of love and encouragement.

Like with my work ethic: I totally missed that the clash was due to my hope deferred identity smacking straight into a lack of vision for my career and future. How much I struggle to thrive 40 hours a week in a job that fails to encompass my passion and my heart.

Like with my family: I failed to see how my judgement towards how my family hurt me and failed me was grinding against my pain and unhealed wounds. Not seeing how splintered my heart really is compared to how much I stuff down emotion and create diversions to keep my mind and heart off the reality of a broken home.

The list goes on.

Whatever I build (whether long term or temporary) on these faults, will not stand and will not have stability... UNTIL I allow the Lord to draw the lines. He HAS to be the rock I lean against. Only He can take all the junk of life and make level ground. I HAVE to put more and more weight against Him.

Prov 3: 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Seems like such a basic, easy principle but it is SO hard for me to truly get. It is so much easier than I make it out to be yet I struggle as if I'm back in AP Calculus again.

Lord... Thank you for the earthquakes of my soul. Through the nasty, unearthed places, I can finally see the fault. I'm starting to see what I've been leaning on and it hasn't been you. I've put religion and men as my steadier and have been drawing crooked lines for a while. Help me Jesus to face the aftermath of my own makings. Give me wisdom on ways to correct thinking and replace habits. Lord, help me extend grace to others as you have repeatedly given grace and mercy to me.

Spring Retreat 2010

2010-03-28T18:50:00.007-04:00

My friend Sarah flew in from Chicago for a mini vacation. Our plan was to have a mini retreat with Jesus. I had this big moment with God built up in my head. We would go to the mountains, view His creation, and He would speak the mysteries of my life in a booming voice like He did to Charlton Heston. I mean fair is fair right?

Instead of that... it rained, it was cold, and aparrently God had a whole other agenda.

I was reminded this weekend of how hungry I am. I've really been struggling with a lost feeling. It feels like I can't really get a grip on my everyday, week to week, monthly duties. I get on health kick for a while then it dissipates. I get excited about volunteering and get a routine, then it has to end. I do well at work, giving it my A game, then I struggle for weeks to get motivated again. I kept thinking that something had to change. My job, my church, my priorities, something!

Instead of opening or closing new doors, God decided to do some spring cleaning on the inside of my heart. I sooo wasn't into that. I wanted God to do the NEW stuff not make me sift through old junk. But alas... It was there that God had me. In the midst of my junk.
I didn't want to go through Shame. I've kicked it under stuff, shoved it deep deep down and felt like that was clean enough. No need to air it out and discuss right?

WRONG!

My self image has been a battlefield for as long as I can remember. I never had a safe place to truly open up and be who I am. Not a single time growing up was it ever said to me... Your pale skin is beautiful. God made you that way with purpose. Your weight is does not make or break you. You are beautiful for who you are AND what you look like. I'm navigating the self esteem land way outside of my teen years. In my past, I became shame's best friend by hiding, coping, and removing myself from any place, person, or situation. Where I failed to be acceptable physically, I made up with in personality or in ministry. Helping others pushed me to the back and helped me shove my own pain down for the sake of others... right?

Yeah... That is where God took me this weekend. He hit below the belt and took me to the fractures of my heart. There is much more to this story and it might come later but through the broken glass sharded over time, I realized that He loves me. Not because of, not inspite of, not in lieu of... HE LOVES ME

I've got some practical, spiritual disciplines to impliment but that is not to earn or attract but instead to remind me! He loves me! What He loves, I want to love, so there begins a brand new journey!

My 29th Psalm!

2010-03-17T23:52:00.005-04:00

It is the last few minutes of my 29th birthday! Yikes! Where did the time go? When I was younger, it seemed to take FOREVER for my birthday to arrive and now that I'm over 22, they FLY. It feels like just yesterday when I turned 25.

The approaching 3-0 has been very ominous. I feel like there was so much I wanted to have experienced before now. I feel like I'm behind studying for a test or something. My check off sheet is going to be checked. Things that I just knew I would have already done/accomplished mock me. The heavy burden of an up coming 30 has left me feeling frustrated and somewhat shamefaced until the past week. God's peace has been settling over me a lot over the past few days. I feel like my spirit is waking up again.

Yesterday I realized that my last year in the twenties was going to be significant. It is hard to explain but I have an inner peace that this next year is going to set the tone for years to come. For the first time in a long time I have a real sense of expectancy. I know without a shout of a doubt that God is getting ready to move me from muck and mire to solid path again. I'm TOTALLY excited and nervous all in the same breath. For nostalgia, I wanted to take the last few moments of my birthday to create a wish / goal list for my last year in my twenties. SO... Here is who Christen is shooting to be for T-H-I-R-T-Y:

I'm asking for God to create in me a gentle & quiet spirit:
AKA: I'm going to make time to be still before the Lord and spend time wandering with Him like we used to. I'm also asking God to show me how to be silent and a better listener with others.

I'm creating a house of prayer:
AKA: I'm wanting to spend more time worshiping in my home myself and with people around my dining room table (that will hopefully appear in my apt in the next week)

I want to make an impact:
AKA: I feel like I'm to step into community projects and mix and mingle. I want to be a true light in places that aren't church/ministry but just places that help people. I'm still working on direction but have some ideas.

I want to be disciplined:
AKA: I want to improve my work integrity (i.e. not being late :( ) I want to improve in my health and SLEEP!!! I want to follow through with the creative visions God has stirred in me and remove any junk that is causing distraction from doing so.

I want to guard my heart:
AKA: Knowing my worth and value and allowing God to put up fences while tearing down my self made walls.

The Holy Spirit keeps bringing up passions and desires that have kind of been pushed down or bruised. I know He has deposited dreams and visions that will unlock doors for others but I finally feel like the time is coming near and He is going to release favor and full blown ideas.

Today the thought hit me: "I feel like I can be a woman of God" Kind of funny but it is like a switch flipped and I'm ready to take on the adult me. Not sure what all that means but some of the transition anxiety (from college to work force) is receding and what is being left behind are these wonderful shells of remembrances.

I'll say it like this: It is like cleaning out the attic and finding treasures that you kind of forgot about, you clean up, and display as an antique piece in your living room. (clear as mud right?)

I'm at peace with growing a year closer to 30.
I'm at peace with being single.
I'm at peace with waiting upon the Lord.
I'm at peace that I'm right where He wants me.
I'm at peace that the pieces of my last 28 years all fit together and are creating a mosaic that defies anything I have ever pictured.

Peace...

It is a dang good way to start my new year off!

Funniest Birthday Greeting So Far!

2010-03-15T12:55:00.001-04:00

Dear Christen:

We keep telling ourselves we're not getting older, we're getting better. And it's the truth!

Our membership in Governmental Purchasing Association of Georgia demonstrates our desire to continue learning, to grow and flourish in our careers and to develop our talents and skills in the field of public procurement.

The entire board wishes you a happy birthday and hopes the coming year will bring you only joy and prosperity.

Sincerely,
Governmental Purchasing Association of Georgia

Tomb Raider

2010-02-23T23:43:00.007-05:00

Wow! I just returned home from seeing Tyler Perry's newest play,"Madea's big happy family" and a blog post starts burning in my chest. I can't wait to invest in the new I-Pad so that I can easily blog on location. Yes I am a nerd.

Back to the play. So many themes ran throughout but the one that hit me the most was in a song. The mother is dying and a daughter has just found out. She began the sweetest song to her mom and the gist was this: "you did not have millions to give but you gave me Jesus".

BAM! Even recalling that moment, my heart is slammed. Something has really bothered me for several years now. Without going into much intimate detail (cause family and people who they know read this), I have suffered incredible loss in the past several years. Everything that I felt security in has suffered major devastation. One of the main losses that has truly troubled me happened financially. I had an inheritance. I had property, savings, bonds, etc. Had...

I did not realize how much losing that meant. I had taken for granted that student loans, college bills, future wedding, etc were going to be provided. When my dream castle collapsed, so did my security. So did my finances. So did my freedom or so it seems at times.

As I sat and listened to the heart of a daughter to her mother crying out her gratitude, I realized that I have been building my life on absolute sand. Why isn't Jesus enough? Why can I simply forgive and move on? Why do I hide away my "shame" when I have Jesus?

I have been given the most precious gift of all by my parents. I am incredibly blessed. My dad used to ask me almost every night, "girl... you reading your bible?" I used to lay on the couch singing with mom as she practiced hymns for church.

Have thine own way Lord
Have thine own way
You are the Potter
I am the clay
Mold me and make me
After thy will
While I am waiting
Yielded and still

My treasure is full and over flowing yet I sit in rags and ashes. Our inheritance is what is stored in Heaven not what is collecting dust.

In a precious time with my cousin, I explored more into this thought. We talked of church and church folks.

White washed tombs.

She and I both shared where we've been labeled and damaged. Chewed up and spit out. I've wrestled with losing my identity as I left church life for this unknown faith thing. Who am I if not the youth minister? Who am I if not leading worship? What am to do if not serving? Who is God if He's not my job?

It is so very easy to sit and to critique the church crew just like it is so easy for me to blame my parents for things they did and didn't do to protect my future stuff.

But I have Jesus.

I know more about Jesus through Sunday School.
I know God's word because of Vacation Bible School.
I can find passages of scripture because of Sunday night Discipleship Training.
I've memorized text through choir and choruses.

I HAVE JESUS.

It is not wisdom to resent the rocks in the road that created a path to my Jesus. Donnie McClurkin has a song that says:

We fall down and we get up
we fall down and we get up
we fall down and we get up
for a saint is just a sinner who fell down
and got up

A quote from one of Tyler Perry's plays that I love is:
"Baby, it don't matter what people call you, it is what you answer to" (my version from Madea goes to Jail)

I can sit here and play the blame game all day long whether that be with my parents, the church, or anyone else who happens to do me wrong but is that really what I want to answer to? Who I answer to is who owns me! Slaves are conditioned to look and listen to their masters.

My ears have been tuned into the wrong frequency for long enough. It is time for me, for you, for us to OVERCOME this junk called christianity and reclaim CHRIST in us. I'm tired of playing games. I'm over playing church. I NEED JESUS! The people I encounter everyday need JESUS! I don't really know what all that looks like yet but I do know that I've tasted the Lord and cheap knock offs just will not do.

I want Heaven to be my final RESTing place until then... GAME ON! This gal is getting on her feet again and ready for another round but not in herself but tapping into the well of her Father... Jesus. Rise people of faith. Rise up and forgive. Rise up and believe. Rise up and give back. The living dead may go to church but they DO NOT live as His Bride. Be encouraged that this race is worth running. You can run it. You are not alone! It is ok to fall down, but GET BACK UP again.

All this for the bargain price of a ticket to see Madea.

Some days, you just need a pep talk :)

(lots of churchy type imagery, let me know and I'll give you a more verse by verse break down)

No-Harmony

2010-02-22T13:08:00.011-05:00

I have been tossing this post back and forth in my mind for a while. Most readers would get that I'm a single female, approaching 30 (yes I said it), and a Christian. These may be my facts but I don't want those factors to discount what I'm about to say. Kind of like jury selection, so often we disregard people's thoughts due to the facts about them. She's just saying that because she's single. So... Here's my concern and take it for what it is but my request is that you DON'T take it for what it isn't. Here it goes:

I really believe that Christian dating is in crisis. The church has painted singles into a corner with their rules and regulations. It has become a courtship nightmare. Christian singles have been taught so many laws that now only three outcomes are possible.

1) Some how the guy asks the girl out and it works
2) The single stays that way for life
3) The single throws out the whole Christian dating and starts dating "of the world"

When did the question of "do you want to get coffee" become synonymous with "do you think you could marry me in the future"? Are we so emotionally crippled that we can't ask a girl for coffee / lunch or that we can't simply give the man a chance and eat or drink with him?

COME ON! Every man or woman who is in the Body of Christ has a part of God's face. EVERY ONE! I too have been guilty of making this whole dating thing as serious as life or death rather than seeing it as what it really is... an opportunity to grow and have something to do.

Now don't get me wrong, you still have discernment i.e. he is totally creepy or she is a leech waiting to attack you. Dating does not equal charity or missions outreach but it doesn't mean a lifetime commitment either.

One of the resounding questions I've come across recently is, why do "worldly" folks understand dating while Christian folks don't? The reason I say this is take a man or woman who does not live under the biblical faith. Watched MTV lately? They know how to approach the opposite sex, they are up front with their intentions, they make the effort and BAM! They are dating. They make simple judgement calls. Yes I will. No I won't. I'm not into you. Have a nice life.

It hit me recently. All this trauma drama stems from one source. Yes. The Devil made us do it. RELIGION!

The religious spirit is absolutely killing us. It has created such a complex system of how tos, don'ts, fasts, prayers, etc. that we as Christians have lost our sexuality. I have lost touch. I feel a sense of guilt when I mention anything close to dating or wanting to date as if I am somehow "less of a believer" for being attracted to men. What the mess?!

I remember reading in medieval literature how people would put pecan shells in their shoes so that they could remember the suffering of Jesus. They would beat the flesh man and somehow that would improve their spirit man.

When we as a Christian society do this to our sexuality, we get divorce, live ins, unwed mothers, affairs, etc.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM! - 2 Corinthians 3:17

God created us with sexuality and the desire to pursue it. He's given us the boundaries so that we can be FREE.

I am praying about how I can speak freedom and life into my single friends. I want this time in life to be open for new adventures. I want to learn how God romances us by walking through dating.

At the end of this post I realize that I really can't express totally what I'm thinking because I'm in the middle rather than at the end of a thought so... I will add:

TO BE CONTINUED!

What do you see? What do you think?

My coworker gave this Valentine to me : Prov 29:18

2010-02-19T15:16:00.002-05:00

Tilted Castles

2010-02-19T00:17:00.004-05:00

I really wish fairy tales (at least the cleaned up Disney versions) worked in real life. Every year when I watch Christmas movies, a deep burning desire to believe in Santa emerges. I absolutely love fantasy. I love that boy meets girl. Girl smiles at boy. Love begins. I eat it like a fat boy eats chocolate cake!

But alas... here reality sits. So much of my week has been in complete and utter frustration. If it could go wrong it has gone wrong. My nerves are shot. My voice has an edge in it. My smile doesnt quite hit the eyes. All in all... reality bites! Life feels like it is on overdrive. I NEVER STOP! Constantly on the go then BOOM I'm sedate on the sofa watching movies for the entire weekend. Life has lost balance and rhythm.

In Zoomba class... yes... I'm in latin aerobic dance class :)... I kept feeling like my ankles were going to give. When I talked to the instructor afterwards, she said I was most likely losing my center of gravity.

BALANCE

Dang, if that is not a word to my spirit then I don't know what is.

Balance - the ability to say no.
- the ability to seek rest yet work diligently when called for
- the ability to walk away
- the power to make lists and accomplish task with efficiency and stamina

Yeah... I'd say my life is more than a little out of balance right now. As I let this seemingly physical ailment sink down deep in my heart I realize that my WANT has turned to voracious hunger.

I want to believe that fairy tails come true.
I want to believe that my address is not permanent.
I want to believe that I'm not plateauing but still climbing.
I want to believe that I'm more than my skin color and my peers & superiors can see past it.
I want to believe that single life does not last forever.
I want to believe that good really does triumph over evil.
I want to believe that people and lives still can be changed.
I want to believe that one man created for one woman exist.
I want to believe that the tears and prayers over those that I love matter and impact destiny.

I want... I want... I want

My want has turned to demands. My thoughts have been like one wandering in the desert charging towards every mirage of water to find only sand. I truly stand in awe of those who walk in peace. One of my best friends and I were talking about our families. See, she and I have similar tragedies of parental failures, broken homes, and crazy dysfunction. We both have emerged into "super heros" only our power comes only in tragedy. We are some of the best ones to have around when a catastrophe hits. We've got a story to share, a fast paced thought pattern established, and a seemingly endless resiliance to compounding stress. The secret is we stuff, stuff, stuff, and explode later after everything has fallen back in place. Not a recommended way of doing things, mind you.

Peace has constantly been a fruit that I can't really digest well. I desire it with all my heart but through conditioning, I sabotage peace time with new projects, new people, or slothfullness. How appropriate that in my fairy tale there lives a man whose name is Prince of Peace? My Prince desires me and longs for me but unlike Sleeping Beauty or Snow White, this princess just will not collapse and wait to be awakened by my True Love's first kiss. I'm still hanging in the ashes cleaning up after dwarves.

My Prince, My Jesus... help me to lay down in your green pasture. Help me to follow you to still waters. Help me to see beyond the rainbow and keep wishing upon stars.

I HAVE TO BELIEVE! I HAVE TO BELIEVE! I HAVE TO BELIEVE!

How to blind date with eyes open? - Tribute to Jon Acuff's style

2010-02-12T00:22:00.003-05:00

Blind dates / setups are probably every one's nightmare. Awkward conversation, clueless expectations, best/worst case scenarios buzzing through your head, etc. Lucky me... I found myself among that number today but to add icing to the cake, mine was orchestrated by my Dept Head, a Division Manager, and pretty much supported by all office staff. So regular blind meeting nerves aside, office pressures and direct line of feelings being hurt were on red alert. I have never felt more like an insect under a microscope in my life.

Jon Acuff is one of my favorite bloggers so in his honor, I'm attempting my version of his interpretation of my day today. He is completely clueless and I will take it down if he sues me but until then... I'm taking a crack at:

How to blind date with eyes open?

1) Key word here is BLIND - due to the fact that you have never seen this girl, impression is everything and firsts only come once or they would have a different name. Root of impression is IMPRESS which includes but is not limited showering, wearing something other than a hoodie, looking like something other than a college student rolling out of bed going to an early class that he couldn't get out of and must take to get out of 2nd year freshman status. Guys please note this is almost only your rule because she HAS thought and rethought her outfit, makeup, and accessory choice. She WILL be ready and WILL NOT overlook your lack of preparation. Pat Benataur said it best! "Love is Battlefield" so gents, don't walk into war with only tightie whities covering you.

2) Google some current events. When you play tennis, you bring a racket, at least one can if not multiple of tennis balls, and if you're really serious about playing tennis, you bring an extra racket in case you break a string. SO... why not prep a blind date/meeting in the same way? Build an arsenal of current affairs to pull out in order to spur conversation. Talking about the weather is what you do with your 80 year old grandpa not with someone you want to potentially spend more than 5 mins talking to. Sports highlights are NOT a great topic to bank on unless you are dating men. Safer bet is to check out Yahoo's short list of events including crime, Hollywood, and the occasional DATING tips. One search wonder in my book!

3) If you want to be a man who leads, give her somewhere to follow. This is not the bridge to nowhere or more likely it is if you hem and haw waiting on her to take the reins. Most women ENJOY being led. It is how we dance, walk through doors, and how we date (or supposed to for BEST case scenario). Why show up at all and go through the charade if you don't have a plan or at the very least plan to initiate another meet and greet? Stick to Facebook stalking if that is your m.o. Secret to women: Bold Planners get a date. We LOVE it! (or most of us and those that don't probably need inner healing therefore probably need a counselor not a date and unless she agrees to the fee, I probably would suggest moving on)

4) Talking through others is only acceptable in elementary school... maybe middle school but DEFINITELY NOT high school and beyond. Telling so and so that you think they are cute so they will tell her so she can tell so and so and maybe next summer you'll get her message back... come now... where in the world of reality does that really sound like a good idea. Especially for a man in his mid 20s and older, it looks silly and juvenile. Suck up every ounce of courage you have and ask for coffee. As rule 3 clearly shows, women respect men with a plan. If you don't have one, FAKE IT UNTIL YOU DO or stay home and pick up whittling. At least you'll get to get started on your Christmas gifts.

5) NEVER under ANY circumstances bring up another girl that you are meeting later and have a volatile friendship with on a first meeting. This shouldn't require much explanation. If it does, please leave your name and email in my comment box and we will speak one on one.

Blind meetings don't have to be completely crippling but just like any interview: dress to impress, prepare! prepare! prepare!, and know that its just coffee or lunch and not eternity. You always have the option to say hey nice to meet you, have a nice life (without me).

Crafty Nature

2010-02-09T12:56:00.003-05:00

Here is my very first diaper cake! It was super fun to make and really cost efficient. Officially, this will be my new gift for every baby shower. :)

What's love got to do got to do with it?

2010-02-04T00:05:00.003-05:00

It is midnight and I finally gave up trying to demand sleep and put the blog posting that was going on in my head onto the world wide web. A verse has been plaguing me for several weeks now:

Better an open reprimand than concealed love. - Prov 27:5 Holman Christian Standard

Relationships from my past have been an unwelcome stalker as of late. People and situations that I had really believed were taken care of have suddenly emerged with undealt with emotion. It could have a lot to do with my up coming birthday... the big 2-9. YIKES! For some reason, thirty has really unsettled me which is really weird for me since age has never really bothered me before.

As I poll my single girl friends, it seems like we have common stress with 30. Something in our culture has dictated that we should be settled or at least on the path to settling. I've been able to avoid such silliness by changing jobs and cities and doing the whole "wandering spirit" but now that I'm focusing on a career, settling in to my apt, and thinking less about going and more about staying, the skeletal remains of tragedy after tragedy known as my love life has emerged from the grave.

I am what you might consider the friend girl. Ever since I can remember, I've always hung out and befriended boys. It probably has a lot to do with having 4 brothers. It also happens that I'm a natural conversationalist. Truly... Ever since kindergarten I have received "she is a delight to teach but she talks too much" on my report card. Placement really didn't matter, I can make a friend with anybody or anything. I'm self entertaining. :)

It is just in the past several weeks/months that specific memories, hurts, people, etc have been playing like a reel in my brain.

Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around. - Prov 13:12 The Message

Growing up in church, I really latched onto the whole purity, consecration, death to cultural dating, etc. band wagon. Unfortunately, it is super easy for me to take a list of demands and bend (more like break) myself to conform to the picture. In my youth, God had a BEST plan (which means there was a good or ok one if not reached) and I was determined to beat sin into submission for the Holy stake in GOd's BEST plan. If I did all the check off sheet, presented the cleanest possible record, and crossed my fingers super hard then I just might obtain at least a moment in the BEST category of God. So.... I wore religiousness as a cloak and prided myself in the holiest endeavors and waited... waited... waited.

Then interaction with men who loved Jesus came. One by one the "one" came who would be my end all answer to my quest for virtue. And one by one they developed into unbalanced, awkward "friendships" where I gave my heart, my time, my affection and they gave me mixed signals, false hopes, and a new found rejection complex.

YIKES! Raw deal isn't really the half of it.

All these things have been swirling in my head. Fears forgotten brought to the light. Hurts buried starting to ooze. Dreams abandoned feeling void. YET in the refuse of my heart, I can find peace and joy. I have been on another journey for the past year or two. I'm looking for Jesus. Not church. Not ministry. Not answers to theology. JESUS! I had gotten so good at the HABITS of God that I no longer really needed to rest my heart in Him.

Up. Down. Do that. Don't do that. Serve. Sing. Pray. Read. Give.

The Lord is showing me that wants me not stuff. Naked. Bare. Flawed. Honest.

As He is unlocking the junk closets, I see His love for me. He wants my freedom. He wants to give back dignity and esteem me. He wants to give beauty for ashes and strength for tears. A larger part of my heart than I wish to admit wants justice. I struggle with feelings of vindication over the ones that hurt me, intentionally and some to this very day have no clue. But... to have justice is to have carnage. Not a single war has created peace. NOT A SINGLE ONE!

So in my midnight ramblings and heart uttering, I sign off with this:

If you love from the source which is Jesus, you will never run dry.

When you are confronted with shame from things you've done or done to you... get naked with Jesus. You're already 1/2 way there, why not take it all off before Him. He will cover you EVERY TIME. He set the precedent with Adam & Eve and His promise endures to this very day.

Be honest in your estimation of yourself and honest in your relationship with others. Let the Holy Spirit free you from chains and also make you aware where you enslave others.

My Sugar Daddy

2010-01-22T23:00:00.003-05:00

I just got home from a wonderful date with my sugar daddy! I just love him! After I came back home from Kansas, my dad & I have really become closer. For awhile, I let disappointment and issues drive a wedge. Anger, hurt, and resentment became my companions but when I finally decided to lay my heart out on the table to my dad... the result has been priceless.

I've been through a lot and seen a lot but I must say Jesus has done extradorinary things in me. I've been asking for years and years for healing within my family. It never occurred to me that the healing was to happen within me. It was I who was wounded, bleeding, and suffering. More than I can type, but for that someone with dad hurt that might come across this: GOD CAN HEAL YOU! I'm living proof. Daddy God's love blankets, soothes, and removes every burnt, skinned up, and demolished part of your heart. Press on! Don't give up!

I have to boast about the kind heart of my sugar daddy (that's what I call him as his only daughter and youngest child of 5). One of my dad's greatest qualities is his heart for people. That man is a flat out GIVER! I remember when he & I went to eat one day... I was maybe 9 or 10. We went to this country buffet place. As we were leaving, my dad got the waitress to get the bill of this older woman with two kids. See... she was one of his customers and he knew that she was raising her grandkids on a fixed income. It was around the first of the month so she probably had just gotten her gov't check and was treating the kids to a good meal. Later that day while I was working in the store with him, that same lady came in with the kids. She said, "Tell Mr. Badcock thank you for your lunch today." She knew it had to have been him because that is just what he does. He helps people. He bends over backwards to help someone in need.

Well... tonight when we went to dinner, EVERYTHING went wrong. We waited an hour and 1/2 before getting seated and then our ticket was lost so we waited 45 mins more before we got our food. We talked and laughed. He caught me up on how the end of the world was coming, politics, and such. We just accepted apologies and told them not to worry about it. Things happen. Then our server brought out our bill.

It said: No charge! Hope tomorrow's a better day!

We didn't say one cross thing or make one undercut statement. After leaving her a $20 he wrote her a note back.

My sugar daddy is plain out PRECIOUS!! I can't tell you just how great it was to not have strife over something that in the big scheme of things... just doesnt matter. Times like these are when I'm proudest of my daddy and what he stands for. Times like these make me so glad that I chose to forgive and maintain relationship rather than throwing all this away on hurt feelings and circumstances.

I want that to be a generational blessing that I inherit. I want to give with all my heart and to be considerate of the big picture rather than the momentary irritation. My daddy shows me Daddy God's heart. When I look at my sugar daddy through the eyes of Jesus, Heavenly Daddy is smiling back at me!

From a deep place that cannot be explained:

I am truly blessed with a daddy after Daddy's own heart!

No wonder Pharm sales are up!

2010-01-11T12:11:00.000-05:00

Enjoy the Ride Conference

2010-01-07T12:07:00.007-05:00

Bill Johnson's Enjoy the Ride Conference in Webb, AL was amazing. I am still marinating on a lot of what was said and what God said to me. As I was driving to the conference, I really just wanted to be encouraged and for God to speak something specific to me.

Needless to say, you ask and He gives. Here are some of the highlights from Bill Johnson's sessions:

All truth is given to make us free. We are BECOMING free people. Any encounter that doesn't, makes us more religious.

We are to be a people possessed by promise.

The farther you go with God, the less you can take with you.

The more the Church learns her pupose / assignment from God, the less she wants to be rescued!!

The Lord is coming back for a bride whose body is in equal proportion to her head.

We are to (LUSTFULLY) pursue annointing equal to the revelation God's given us.

Pray FROM heaven to earth not from earth towards heaven. The latter keeps you surrounded by evil. The former grabs God's heartbeat and dictates it to the earth.

Holy Spirit will only lead you into conflicts you're prepared to win!

God values our humility NOT our humiliation.

(about Jews being offended by Jesus proclamation of being the Christ) - They fed on a question that God wasn't answering INSTEAD of feeding on what God WAS saying.

The sword of the Spirit was NEVER meant to use against another member of the body.

_____________________________________

It was a great time of refreshing. Prophetic juices started flowing. It was so great to walk up to strangers and speak God's heart to them again. It felt much like wearing your favorite blue jeans.

TJ, Thomas, Joseph, and Christian: I'm still calling forth the great man of God within you! You are truly men of destiny and favor.
_____________________________________

Written word from the Lord by a random girl at the conference:

The Lord calls you an overcomer. You are victorious. No matter what situation you are in you pull out all the positive. You look at the glass half full instead of half empty. You are an encourager and influencer. You have such a sweet spirit. You care about other peoples feelings. You have such a heart for people. I don't know if you have a heart for the medical field, but I saw you helping people as a nurse. You make people feel welcome and safe. You not only were helping people medically, but supernaturally with the power of God and you were seeing the miraculous. God wants to use you to bring healing to the nations.

______________________________

It was so good to spend time with one of my favorite college friends again. Anne and I have been friends for about 8 years now and the great thing about long time, old friends is the ease at which you return to your friendship. We have spent time together in about 3 or 4 years but yet it seemed just like yesterday. I'm super thankful for invested people like her in my life. When so many others try to demand your time and affections rather than resting in a friendship... wow! That was definitely a blessing to my heart!

All the random thoughts sum up to this:

2010 -

I will enjoy the ride!

I will ask / believe God for more.

I will speak life into past words and promises from the Lord.

I will dig down with Jesus and speak words of life to those who are weary in battle!

I will find myself at the end of 2010... FULL, hopeful, and more debt free!

_____________________________________

Desert Song by Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it’s way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be empited again
The seed I’ve recieved I will sow

Let's get Physical!

2009-12-30T14:36:00.005-05:00

Inertia

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This article is about inertia in physics. For other uses, see Inertia (disambiguation).

Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion. It is represented numerically by an object's mass. The principle of inertia is one of the fundamental principles of classical physics which are used to describe the motion of matter and how it is affected by applied forces. Inertia comes from the Latin word, "iners", meaning idle, or lazy. Sir Isaac Newton defined inertia in Definition 3 of his Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica, which states:[1]

The vis insita, or innate force of matter is a power of resisting, by which every body, as much as in it lies, endeavors to preserve in its present state, whether it be of rest, or of moving uniformly forward in a straight line.
In common usage, however, people may also use the term "inertia" to refer to an object's "amount of resistance to change in velocity" (which is quantified by its mass), or sometimes to its momentum, depending on the context (e.g. "this object has a lot of inertia"). The term "inertia" is more properly understood as shorthand for "the principle of inertia" as described by Newton in his First Law of Motion. This law, expressed simply, says that an object that is not subject to any net external force moves at a constant velocity. In even simpler terms, inertia means that an object will always continue moving at its current speed and in its current direction until some force causes its speed or direction to change. This would include an object that is not in motion (velocity = zero), which will remain at rest until some force causes it to move.

On the surface of the Earth the nature of inertia is often masked by the effects of friction, which generally tends to decrease the speed of moving objects (often even to the point of rest), and by the acceleration due to gravity.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Today, my co-worker came in talking about how amazed she was by the sun. It is so far away yet we feel its heat, see its light, and depend on it. This really got me thinking about the phenomenon of inertia.

Before we get too far in, realize that I am not smarter than a 5th grader in science. I did however pay some attention in college Astronomy. My basic understanding is that our whole universe hangs and orbits on the principles of gravity & inertia. Gravity is somewhat an easier concept. Apple falls from tree and hits the ground. Inertia is something completely and utterly different. When mixed with gravity, it encompasses this amazing tug of war that suspends an object without crushing it or losing control.

2 Corinthians 4: 8-9 (NLT)
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.

In the past year or so, I've really become overwhelmed with things pressing in (past and present). It feels sometimes that I'm not going in any one direction and it is easy to feel like I'm stuck. But when I look at God's physical laws, I am completely amazed that I've been walking (literally) in accordance to God's truth this whole time.

Ruts are not places without motion but precise moments that God allows pressures to help suspend us in place waiting for "that big thing" to set us into a whole new direction. It is like the mundane and everyday pressures mixed with the chaos that creates around us added with the internal churnings of self expectation creates the perfect suspension for God to hit us square in the head (like a good break on a pool table), shooting us into the exact place (or pocket) that He intended.

If I truly want to buy into the Sovereignty of God rumor that I've grown up hearing, and the "I know the plans I have for you"(Jer 29:11)speech, then I have to believe that all the starts, stops, twist, turns, and the nothings... well they all add up to a big fat meant to by Daddy God!

I'm not lost.

I'm not derailed.

I'm not "missing it".

Inertia has come into to play. God's cueing up. And I'm waiting on the break!

Be still, and know that I am God - Ps 46:10

My first X-mas!

2009-12-28T10:31:00.005-05:00

I'm battling my religious, prideful self on this post. I really don't want to admit how bad my holiday was. I don't want to come clean on what an utter mess I created making what should be one of the most important times of my year into a heavy memory.

Why do I speak? Because unfortunately I'm not the only one. Here it goes.

My Christmas Vacation:

First of all I need to give some background. I come from a typical American family. I'm the product of a 2nd marriage for both parents who are now in an awkward 5 year separation that, trust me, has NO normal patterns. I have three brothers from my dad, one from my mom whom my dad adopted, and little ole me as the glue. That truly is just a brief layout and doesn't touch 1/3rd of the chaotic connections that make up the family that I know and love.

So to start out, I have taken on the task of doing my Dad's Christmas shopping. I went ahead and signed up for it because I really didn't want to repeat a tradition that we've somehow created where Christmas Eve I'm flying through stores on last minute errands for him. Thinking that this was going to be easier for me. False hope. I did the shopping but Christmas Eve he decides to ask me what I got my mom for Christmas from him. Wow... Bombshell... Uh... Nothing. I handled grand kids and his name that he drew. Nothing else. Not even sure why he even thought I would walk into that mine field! So fortunately for Christmas, now I was left to deal with a failed performance with unresolved fixing issues that haven't been dealt with thanks to tumultuous childhood of playing marriage referee! Merry Christmas!

I've been going out with my Mom for the past several weeks shopping for the family. We have a long standing tradition of purchasing things to make up for lack of true communication throughout the year. Don't get me wrong, she has a heart to give but she gushes from wallet what she wants to say with her heart. So I struggled myself with the commercialism of Christmas. I didn't make a budget and bought more than I could afford. My larger than life credit card says Happy New Year!

Christmas Eve was a paid holiday for me! YAY! So I slept in, read some, did some picking up around my new apt. All great. My favorite part in hind sight. But then time marched all over me like a cattle stampede. I flew into action trying to get out the door. See my family's tradition is for us to get together on Christmas Eve. All presents and food prep still had to be done. I flew down the road (40 minute drive)not arriving until after 2 pm (must be ready by 6:30) ready to get my wrap on when as I'm putting down my stuff my mom calls out..."Did you remember the meat?"

DANG! Stomach drops. The one thing I was supposed to get from my fridge... still sits in that same fridge. Mom was cooking in the kitchen. She had burnt at least 2 major portions of the meal. (not her norm) I frantically try to do some wrapping. Nothing fancy. No pretty ribbon concoctions like I prefer. Basic wrapping. The floor is COVERED with presents needing paper. 4:30 - have to tear away to go get the meat. Still not finished with wrapping. I call my dad to give him updates. He drops the "did you get something for mom from me" bomb and also that he did not do the one thing he was to do: get a birthday card for my niece (her bd is day after Christmas) so as I entangle myself further, I now feel the need to find him a card. I get back at my mom's at 6 to find out that we're supposed to be there at 6 not 630, so I dive back into wrapping and bagging (note to self should apply to grocery store) and let me tell you... the gifts toward the end of my wrap job... sad! It then turns out that we can't get all the gifts and food into our vehicles (due to all the stuff from me moving during December) so I have to call my dad. We get three people stuffed into three vehicles and finally arrive after 7. We get everything in the door, collapse, eat, and gift.

There's a lot more awkward moments and tension to add but some of my family actually reads my blog and its not worth your knowing for me to live with the backlash so take it from me... S - T - R - E - S - S!

So as we're leaving, I'm helping carry my niece to the car. My brother has these huge scary wood stairs without a hand rail and absolutely no light beyond the porch. My niece is 2 1/2 and as I'm carrying her down. I make the final step to the ground, somehow find the only hole, twist my ankle, and we both come collapse. I push my weight back so that she's on top of me and land with my back in the bottom step. Yes! I totally bit the dust. She was fine. I was... not. A swarm of people coming around, me sucking it all back, and a throbbing bruise developing in my lower back. Black & Blue... My favorite! Merry Christmas to me!

Back home to wrapping! Yes... there actually is MORE! I'm out of bags (except for the ones with ice on my back and my ankle) so I'm doing creative wrapping. My one true tradition is watching the Christmas story all the way through... didn't happen. Everyone else hates it so...

Christmas Day I wake up to load up again. Going back to the scene of the crime... accident. Get thoroughly joked on! Another train wreck occurs... again... remains a private moment but trust me... *sigh*

On and on it seems to go. Rush rush rush! Buy buy buy! Crash crash crash!

Where did I derail? Where did the season of Peace on Earth Good Will to Men go?

In the midst of the chaos and twist and turns, smash and burns, I knew what truly was missing. My entire holiday was void of Jesus. Even as I type this, shame completely overtakes my cheeks.

How did this happen?

I'm very certain that this answer is work in progress but the main answer that I reflect on is: I went with the flow. I simply followed whatever wind hit me and was smashed in the tornado.

That's a harsh reality to wake up from. I absolutely missed Christmas!

ROMANS 12: 1-2

1 -2 So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. (Message)

1 And so, dear brothers and sisters,[a] I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.[b] 2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. ( NLT )

1I APPEAL to you therefore, brethren, and beg of you in view of [all] the mercies of God, to make a decisive dedication of your bodies [presenting all your members and faculties] as a living sacrifice, holy (devoted, consecrated) and well pleasing to God, which is your reasonable (rational, intelligent) service and spiritual worship.
2Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you]. ( Amplified )

Ok... so if you're a new kid on the Christian block you might not understand how weighty it is to totally miss this verse but as a bible toting, vacation bible school graduate... the word DUH! rings in my ears.

Christ... the reason for the season (Christmas) was not at all a trend follower. I really don't think he was super interested in being a trend setter. (if so... then church rituals would work {an aside if this were a play})

Jesus was a dam that stopped the flow rather than a log riding it. I gave up my Christmas the moment I stopped looking at Daddy God and instead chose to "do Christmas" instead of "be Christmas."

Who was Christ to the world? He was God's heart in flesh. He was simple, not flashy, and a great listener. In crowds, he never lost his Jesusness.

The weight of waking up after Christmas and realizing that I missed Him hopefully will be a turning point. If Jesus isn't my true focus then I need to take my ball and go home. I don't want another Christmas to go by like this one did. I don't want another day to go by period where I just float through it rather than building something on top of the current. I hope this post will bring up personal reflections of your own.

Don't miss CHRISTmas.

Office Holiday Cheer!

2009-12-04T16:04:00.006-05:00

I've been decorating my office for the holidays. I decided to get crafty and create penguins and snowmen with all of my coworkers' picture. It mostly looks like I missed my calling as a elementary school teacher but I can't help it. Everyone has been oooing and ahhhing. Check it out!

Fun Dollar Store Stickers!

A REAL CHRISTMAS TREE!!! It smells divine!

Noone can enter or leave without some Christmas Spirit!

This is my craft project for the season. Here are all my coworkers in my division in snowmen and penguins!Funny thing is: I have mechanics in my division :) They are getting a kick out of their faces on the wall in the belly of a penguin!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Reflections

2009-11-24T13:02:00.005-05:00

The more I grow this year the more I realize that I don't have a clue. Part of me thinks that your late twenties are the balance for your late teens and early twenties. When I was 19, veils of small town, small church, and small thinking were ripped away and I was left with amazing awe and wonder. Things were not what I had been taught. Inconsistencies that were taught became highlighted and life had a whole new form. No longer did I look to parents for guidance but all I could see were their faults and failures. A sense of "I know better than they" came over me and no one within my family had validity. I was on to BIGGER and BETTER while they stayed in their ruts.

How youth misleads us?

I have many things that I think I would have loved to done different but then again... how can you progress in life if you live in the regression of thought?

I am knocking on the door to 30. Yikes! Something that I am coming to appreciate a lot about this age is the sense of family and relationship that has been growing in my heart. I deeply want to know my family and be known by them. Despite all the lost years, these new times have been amazing. My priorities are swirling closer and closer to home. I still have an intense longing for adventures and new things but my sense of home or at least the sense of needing a home life is growing more and more.

Yesterday we buried my Uncle Harry. His life and battle with cancer still weigh heavy on my heart today. In my late twenties, a sudden realization of mortality and the mortality of those I love the most has settled on me. As I'm standing there with my Dad and my brothers, a premature grief overwhelmed me with thoughts... this will be one of us one day.

I'm not totally sure what the purpose of this post is if not only for a sounding board for my heart but I hope that someone could see the writing on the wall. Life is but a fleeting breath. There is not a single second that is promised. Love with passion. Lay all your cards on the table. Seek wisdom. Dig down deep. Embrace while you have the chance.

Boo Boos

2009-11-10T11:58:00.005-05:00

Just when you think you have heard it all:

My coworker is a wonderful single gal. She's smart, funny, BUT has the worst possible taste in men. I can't blame it all on her. She seriously emits an odor that attracts every low life in a 3 mile radius.

Example:

A bunch of us go to eat at a local bistro. As we are walking out the door, we pass a booth with 3 men deep on each side. The guy on the end gives her the elevator eyes and says " Hey Boo". She turns and does the awkward smile thing trying to figure out if she knew him. THEN he starts GRUNTING... yes folks... GRUNTING!

I whip around and say "Do you even know him? Do people really use 'BOO'? I thought it was from Saturday Night Live."

WHAT THE JUNK?

This is the kind of attention she gets. She kind of laughs it off but literally these bottom feeders find her wherever we go.

So, yesterday while I was talking on the phone a guy from another department comes in. He sees her at the front and starts doing the limp foot drag walk thing. I spotted trouble. They are talking down from me (keep in mind I'm on the phone explaining a computer process) and I hear snippets of their conversation.

"Why won't you date me?"
"Can I have your number?"

So she gives him her work number and points to me " you'll have to ask her "

"Can she go out with me?"

ME: "I don't know you" (in my best ghetto voice)

"You need to get to know me"

I get back in my phone conversation but overhear her say: "I thought you were married. Are you married?"

"Well(high pitched and then pause)... um.... I'm legally separated."

This is the moment my hand instantly comes up. I did the ghetto hand wave that translates to... you needs to get to steppin'.

I had my own grunting moment. I get off the phone finally after Mr. Legally Separated has sauntered out... not looking in my direction of course.

Then my inner Pentecostal preacher voice rose to the fore front.

"LEGALLY SEPARATION?... The only legal separation is called DIVORCE!"

Shock & awe overwhelmed me for the rest of the day. I've heard of such happenings but to experience it right before my eyes & ears... Priceless!

Share any experiences of this kind. My shelter was shattered, how about you?

*if I could add sound I would have TLC's "I don't want no scrub" playing. *

Every Single Girl's Nightmare

2009-11-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

Whoever invented the bouquet toss hates her friends! As a single lady, nothing makes my blood run cold as the bouquet toss. I cannot STAND this stupid lets make all the singles that bought you presents and sat through the sappy everyone should be in love ceremony and put them on display for all to see and feel sorry for them but make it all better if they catch the stupid flowers that are often silk or dinky compared to the real bouquet that is kept for posterity.

Yes I am bitter about this process.

In some way I'm single by choice or because I prefer Yankees or Midwestern boys but somehow cant get out of the South. I love weddings and seeing friends and family take the big leap into marriage. What I resent is the insinuation that I am the weirdo in the bunch and need to be fixed with a man.

I can hear the bride's saying now: That's not at all what I mean by forcing you into the grouping of single girls (and I mean girls because 10 year olds are fighting with you for the stupid flowers).

Let me ask you this then: What does the tossing of foliage mean then?
Is it not to highlight that lucky girl to the gods of love as the next ONE to get hitched? Or to apply pressure if you are dating to that guy who is scared of commitment!

The answer is DUH!

Therefore, when you ask your "friends" to participate (and we all know you will call out the ones who try to hide) you essentially say... stinks that your single, but hey... here's some flowers to bring you luck!

Why the sudden rant?

I'm going to a wedding this weekend. I'm really PRAYING that it is as nontraditional in the flower department as possible but if not, here are the game plans I've come up with so far:

1) Have a sudden urge to go to the bathroom!

2) Claim a leg injury.

(might not work if there is dancing but I could claim an instant healing to counterbalance)

3) Ask to hold an infant right before

I'm sure one of these will work... we'll see.

When the roll is called up yonder... please Jesus...let me not be one of that number!

Today's Gone By

2009-11-05T12:09:00.005-05:00

I often have the news on in the background at work. The recent cases of the missing baby who was found under the babysitter's bed and the balloon boy who never was on the balloon really stir up anger and dread about the condition of the American people. Who in their right mind thinks it is okay to fake a child's possible demise.

WHO DOES THAT? Who leads a nation to grieve and worry for their loved ones for no reason? How do you sleep at night knowing that people are praying for the return and safety of your son or daughter when it is all a hoax?

Between the pre-teen being set on fire and the gang rape of a junior high girl, my heart about can't take anymore of this. What has happened to American society?

After the catastrophe of John & Kate, why would anyone want to invite camera crews into their lives? Fast money is sending us into early graves.

Wisdom from Romeo & Juliet:

FRIAR LAURENCE: These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume. (Romeo and Juliet, II, vi)

FRIAR LAURENCE: The sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness,
And in the taste confounds the appetite.
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so. (Romeo and Juliet, II, vi)

Anything obtained in rashness and with the "I HAVE TO HAVE THIS NOW" turns on you in the end. Fame & Fortune are eating our society's morality and sense of justice. I am truly disturbed to no end about the "American Way" that is programming our kids through media and through bad examples. I wonder what it would be like to wake up and have everything electronic completely dead. No cell phones. No TVs. No computers. What would our stress be like?

Bible Study this week emphasized living in the day. How can I live in my today when I am compounded with the realities of all these others? I love technology but it oftens binds our hearts to anchors of fear.

This post is not very solution based but mostly a lament on the loss of TODAY.

Questions... No Answers... Only Jesus

2009-10-21T10:12:00.005-04:00

As I grow older, I really thought that I would have the whole life thing under way. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I really expected and found hope in that I would eventually get the hang of this whole life thing. I just knew that I would feel settled & accomplished in the coming years. I'm knocking on the door to thirty... I'm so far from where I thought life would be.

I feel more like a girl playing dressup than ever. The all powerful question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" used to be such an easy answer. No anxiety. No fear. I merely burst out... I want to be a missionary. I want to move to Africa. I want to work with kids. etc. Here today at 28.5 years... that question chills my blood and stokes my anxiety. I'm more clueless than ever. I'm being responsible. I'm paying bills. I'm working working working but somewhere in the midst of growing up I feel like a missed some life classes. The thing is... this theme is prevelant throughout my friend base. Male & female. City and country. It leads me to wonder, is my generation in a corporate identity crisis?

The exhausting back n forth in my head can lead to major overload. My inner child gets scared & confused and wants to hide under the covers. "Is it over?"

And then Jesus... He has such a way with kids. He preferred their company even when disciples tried to put "important" people in front. A new coping mechanism I've developed in the questions and stress and chaos and... is this: I picture myself in my cute stage, crawling up in Jesus' lap and resting. The great thing about embracing your inner child is that Jesus loves the little children.

There is no one else for me... None but Jesus.

None But Jesus - by Hillsong United

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won’t refuse
Each new day, again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know you’re sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise (2)

I am yours and you are mine…

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore (2)

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

"In the waning minutes I

2009-09-03T23:07:00.001-04:00

"In the waning minutes I realized that accepting Grace of another sometimes means not trying to pay them back in any kind of satisfactory manner"

Karioke Kristians

2009-08-02T18:36:00.008-04:00

While in another town, I visited a church for Sunday morning worship. As we walked in (late) the minister of music was chastising the congregation for not singing joyfully as the song indicated. Every song there was in "typical" old school worship style. We literally sat and stood and sat about 6 times. It was a read the words on the screen kind of singing. The guy also did the special. "I can only imagine" was so much like a karaoke bar minus the alcohol and frankly, minus the fun.

O Jesus! How far have we come?

To propel this (lack of) "worship" experience, the entire message was taken up by the Pastor's vision and dream for the church. He pulled out scriptures that proved his points. He chastised the church with the "shoulds" and the "we need tos". He spoke about the buildings they could build and the programs that could be created. He went on and on about the responsibility of the "Christian Life" and how our sin sends people to Hell.

O Jesus! How can we quote you and still not know you?

Me, My, and I were used over 170 times. (yes, I counted) When the church people didn't respond to his invitation (at least 2 verses), he went into tirade about how revival is being stopped by the people and that they will never be the church God wants them to be if they don't respond to messages like the one spoken... and on ... and on.

O Jesus! When have we become a pyramid schematic church?

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we (Believers in Jesus Christ) would let go of the concept of church buildings, ministry programs, outreach meetings, "revival" services, Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, and Wednesday night programs, missions this, offerings for this, that, and the other and truly took time. Whether it be a walk around the street, or a gathering of a few friends and got on our face before God and asked Him what His thoughts are.

God what are you thinking? What are you feeling? Who is it that needs encouragement? Who is it that needs help? What part do you ask of me? Open my eyes Lord and help me to see into the souls around me. Give me YOUR eyes Lord! Give me YOUR heart Lord!

Organizations for organizing sakes are so far from Jesus' ministry. He was a face to face, in the moment kind of minister. He personally touched people. The few... the many... all were opportunities to share His heart and the heart of His Father. It didn't look the same day to day. There wasn't a weekly meeting. There wasn't a schedule of preaching titles or a mess of activities. It was one (God)man reaching out ONE LIFE at a time.

In the knowledge and reflection of His truth, HOW CAN WE CLAIM THIS JUNK AS HIS WAYS?

GOD HELP US!

I'm not saying to abolish gathering in large groups nor having a plan for when gatherings happen BUT I am saying that our main agenda on our beautiful church stationary can NOT be considered our act of worship before the Lord. The so called 4 hymns then a scripture reading can NOT be what "brings people to Jesus".

We are not soldiers trying to slay the infidels and beat God's Kingdom into the minds of men. Guilt, condemnation, church responsibility (all for the work of the ministry)... Is that what walking with Christ has come to? Killing ourselves trying to "win souls for Jesus".

The Spirit of the Lord draws men unto Himself. Nothing I do, say, or sprinkle upon a sinners head saves and condemns them. Salvation is a SPIRIT of God thing NOT a people thing! As the entity of "The Church" has grown so has the personal responsibility of the believer shrank. Corporately we "grow" and "advance the Kingdom" but on our own we hide porn addictions, sexual misconduct, greed, and lies. We forget who our neighbor is. We postpone outreach until "revival" season or the next cool series at church. We become a corporate entity rather than a person who believes and has commonality with others who believe.

Jesus give your bride her individuality back! Awaken her personality and her peculiarities! Teach us once again to sing unto the Lord a NEW song! This is a prayer of intercession for the Bride of Christ. Pull back from the SYSTEMS of church and cling closer to the GROOM!!!

Awaken!!! He's coming! And He's NOT looking for a congregation but a crazy in love BRIDE!! Take back her personality today!!

Deadly Triangles

2009-07-29T20:00:00.010-04:00

Lately it seems as if Conflict has become my middle name. Between work, home, and family, my stress knot in the back of my neck has produced Hunchback of Notre Dame type qualities. (okay... so please note that this is an exaggeration not a literal reality :) )

Tonight at youth group, Josh talked about conflict... go figure that Holy Spirit drew me to church tonight.

Talking out about problems doesn't solve it, it rehearses it! (in regards to venting) - Josh Copron

Chewing on the above quote, conviction and the dawning of the "DUH" are slowly seeping through my mind. Here it is in the jagged and rough form:

When we enter into conflict and bring others into it by venting, "prayer request", or downright gossip, we enter into a triangle. We not only stirr up judgement and anger in someone else (the 3rd party) but totally create cracks in the relationship between ourselves and the one in whom we have conflict. Inside the triangle is the birthing of all things unholy. Now instead of 2 people navigating for peace, we have thrown in a 3rd party to the anger, malice, judgement, gossip, and other general sins associated with aught. Opinions are formed, fissures within relationships are began or deepened, and any relationship structure weakens and weakens and over time can become inhabitable and condemned.

Yikes! How EASY it is to pull someone in. Somewhere in our "maturing", we gather the idea that we are "owed" something; people's loyalty, respect, our opinion, etc. How far from Christ is this concept? As I sit here and let my day and week and month play out in my head, how silly does my anger seem in light of the glory of Heaven. For someone who's home is in the eternal, I sure have been obsessing in the here and now. I have this intense desire to be heard! To be right! To have people on my side! To be plain out mean when things dont happen my way.

Dear Jesus! I'm glad your grace is sufficient.

Vent sessions breathe life into destructive thoughts and feelings. Venting causes lines to be drawn and sides to be taken. We are ONE body and ONE faith and ONE baptism. (Eph 4:5) Anything that causes 2, causes division. How can two walk together lest they agree?

True counsel over an issue is focused on YOU!!! True asking of wisdom focuses on TRUTH!

Getting lost in the deadly triangle can cost you more than your temper or your friendship. Losing self control over your tongue and emotions threatens your peace, effects your health, and most importantly, your communion with God is blocked with the sins that accompany unresolved conflict.

I desire to quench the blood thirst for "being right" or "being heard." I desperately long for the control over my tongue and opinions. I need to see people as Christ sees me: Beloved, cherished, and priceless.

BUT...
I gotta get up in the morning and go to work, see my family, interact with others.

Jesus, help me to have a holy pause. Slow my reaction time by a minute or more. Lord, let me see your map out of chaos and confusion. I may not be able to 180 completely, but Jesus, help change at least a degree tomorrow and the next day.

Time Marches On

2009-07-28T21:46:00.003-04:00

How right that the body changed over time, becoming a gallery of scars, a canvas of experience, a testament to life and ones capacity to endure it.

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor; Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free. - Statue of Liberty Inscription

2009-07-20T21:34:00.007-04:00

My heart has been really heavy for the hurts of people around me and the trials they are going through. The overwhelming need for Jesus. Not the boxed version that you can nuke in the microwave church of today. JESUS!! Straight up! No water or additives! JESUS!

So many people in my life:

A family member who is opening up a new fascination for God. Doesn't know how to relate in a personal way but continues to desperately try to do "good." Tries to change habits overnight that took years to ingrain.

A friend who is struggling with sexuality. Condemned and aware of the sins he dives into yet is so far out of control or even unable to want to control urgings of his flesh.

A body of believers who loved and worshipped together. Division and slander brought down ruin upon what once was pure and child like faith.

So many hurting with physical illness. More are sick of heart and literally making it day by day. The masses can seem so big and so overwhelming that silence becomes the prefered mode of life. More and more I hear the Lord moving me to focus person by person. How do you feed 5,000? One person at a time. Blessing the Lord with what you have and watching little multiply.

Lord may we not be silent bystanders as if watching a movie but may we be improvising INTERRUPTERS of the script the world has planned for others. The enemy may have plans and scripts but God equipped us with the VOICE of Heaven! SPEAK love! SPEAK peace! SPEAK restoration! The world was created with words and will end with a SHOUT from Heaven.

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.Edmund Burke

Lord stir my mouth to openly interrupt the world's dialogue and interject life and healing in those that you highlight and direct. May I be completely hoarse and without words left when I reach Heaven's gates!

Daddy's Hands are Dirty!!

2009-07-18T00:40:00.007-04:00

Do you ever hear yourself speaking to someone and later it ministers to you and your heart... begins to sink down and all of a sudden you say... Dang... That's good?

While talking to my aunt I heard myself say:

Talents are not the mode of God's connection in me. Talents are an overflow from my connection to God.

On my way home the weight of that revelation hit me! Talents, spiritual gifts, aka things you can do for God are an OVER flow of God's relationship... NOT the basis of it. Coming from such a "missions minded", "we'll work til Jesus comes" background, I truly struggle to grasp that this time of stepping out of ministry (job wise and volunteer wise), and discovering Christian life "outside" of the church has been a truly rough road. Not only do I contend with those that see me as back slided because I sleep in on Sundays now or as a rogue talent (cause I sing well and am a good teacher of the word and work well with kids... etc).

It is a struggle to hear the voices of those I care about show disappointment and fear that I'm not doing the church thing. I'm not in the fields working... or basically doing the STUFF I used to do. Not only is it hard hearing this outside my head but internal voice of perform here, do this, pray this, teach this, sing this has created many a times for doubt and frustration to set in.

Talents are not the mode of God's connection in me. Talents are an overflow from my connection to God.

A picture came to mind. The concept of God's love can be seen in one who truly loves gardening. Someone who loves gardening enjoys having hands in the dirt, the smell of fresh soil, enjoys seeing a seed become a sprout become a stalk become a tree. A true gardener LOVES the process of planting. The possibilities found in each seed. The connection with labor, love, and then produce. A true gardener loves to see apples on the tree that was planted because of a love that has developed for the tree not for the sole purpose of fruit.

Someone who is after only the produce or the product becomes consumed with time and efficiency. Gardening is moved from individual hands to mechanized means of faster, more, and less effort. Machines replace hands in the "minor" details and the whole objective shifts from the tree to the yield of that tree. This gardener sells more, profits in expansion of industry, and is looking for marketability. Innovation overshadows hands on. Technology curtails time. The gardener ultimately is distanced from the tree itself and the bottom line becomes the true passion of the gardener's heart.

How true is this in our churches, house meetings, groups of believers? We perceive God as a god demanding produce. We perceive him as a task master lording over us with whip in hand or we work as if we do. While we build machines and technological church, Jesus is longing to get his fingers in the dirt. His heart is to get up close, face to face, breath blowing on our cheek close. His heart is to sit drinking coffee and talking on the porch. His heart is coming over for dinner. Encounters of the PERSONAL kind. Game nights around the table after dinner. Flowers brought to the hospital. Letters of encouragement written out of the blue... just because.

In my official ministry days, I must repent to the fact that people were in a lot of ways a commodity on wall street waiting to be accumulated, shaped, packaged, and redistributed in order to bring in more. Factory style church work. The estimation of your ability to do God's work is found within numbers and reproductions of believers. Much like notches in a belt.

People are meant to be encountered by the heart and not by the bulk. Heart encounters with Jesus overflow in the gifts of God. Holy Spirit unearths the jewels of faith in relationship not in WORK.

Our Gardner wants to have his hands in the process of our lives. His love is not in the stuff we can do or produce for him but in US! His heart enjoys US! He wants US! He likes US!

May our hearts grab hold of that revelation.

Love doesn't erase our memories.

2009-07-08T12:48:00.001-04:00

Love doesn't erase our memories. It is a demonstration of greater grace when we are fully aware of what occured-& we still choose to forgive. RTK

Truth from the Sex God

2009-06-23T13:31:00.008-04:00

"When I respect the image of God in others, I protect the image of God in me."

"Often freedom is seen as the ability to do whatever you want. But freedom isn't being able to have whatever we crave. Freedom is going without whatever we crave and being fine with it."

"If I want something to the point that I can't conceive of being content without it, then it owns me."

"Lust comes from a deep lack of satisfaction with life."

Diamonds are a girl's best friend!

2009-06-17T23:13:00.005-04:00

God's lunchtime revelation yesterday:

A testament to true purity and self control is not in not sinning nor in the relief of guilt and avoidance of consequences. A true testimony of controlling sexual urgings is when your heart is broken for the best for that person's soul. When it matters to you that he / she has the opportunity to be clean and unblemished and an understanding dawns that you have a role in that. Purity is not held in a thought or lack of one but in the quality of the response to temptation and / or opportunity. Can you go beyond feelings and biology to the source of God's heart for truth? It is not fearing God's hand as discipline but tuning into His passion for someone else in an act that was meant for two joining together in harmony as one. How many marriages would find healing if he searched God's heart for the sexual purity of his wife as she did the same for him?

As a career Christian (yes... that is sarcasm in my typing), I have always thought that sexual temptation as one of the least of my vices. I mean... I took a vow of purity at 13 and was really serious ... ok... militant about it. I kissed dating good bye. I took the role as advocate for true love waits and began my platform as one who is waiting for God to write my love story.

Waiting....

Waiting....

Still waiting...

In the dawn of the approaching single and 30 life, I have been completely land blasted with attacks in area of purity. MOST of my problem lies within the lie I was telling MYSELF that purity was in the act / thought not in the much larger understanding that it is in the distance from / to God's heart. I'm seeing the edge of understanding.

Purity has little to do on whether or not you are married or in relationship. Purity has everything to do with HOW God's heart is interacting between you and others. "God blesses those whose hearts are pure,for they will see God." (Matthew 5:8)Purity is the reflection of God's face on mankind. His face shines when our spirit connects with His as we approach one another. Dullness enters as we use law and self righteousness as the platform for purity thereby distancing ourselves from Him as we pursue our ideals of what holy is and how it looks. Separating God's heart from how we approach purity is like wearing cubic zirconium and calling it a diamond. It achieves the look and fools most but the VALUE can NOT be held by the stand in: by looks or by what others perceive. Under pressure, cubic zirconium breaks every time.

"People may be pure in their own eyes,but the Lord examines their motives." (Proverbs 16:2)

Under the eye of the Master, nothing stands but truth. All falsities fall... praise Jesus. As the pressure begins, the truth will remain.

I'm praying not that the pressure would stop but instead that at the end of the day, the weight of my character be found in the Rock who is Christ and whom is found the purest clarity putting all other gems to shame.

A day in my world!

2009-06-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

Fighting Fangs with Faith

2009-03-03T18:47:00.005-05:00

I chaperoned an incredible youth weekend. I absolutely love teenagers! This is my 3rd trip since leaving youth ministry last fall. I am dealing with some sadness and bitter-sweet memories of my time. I really miss it but know that its not my season for it. I'm so blessed to have a church where I can come and help on the outside for now. It feeds a craving of my heart! Thanks Josh & Brynn!

One of the main points the speaker made was that we can not get from others what God has designed for Himself to fill in our lives. The speaker used the example of a vampire sucking blood. There are people in our lives that come in and literally suck all of life that we have and we are left empty, lethargic, and without life for ourselves.

My memories have been stirring ever since hearing that message. I've struggled my entire life with boundaries with people. Whether letting the needy come and suck everything I have to give or whether it was myself attaching onto another saying "LOVE ME!! FEED ME!! LISTEN TO ME!! KEEP ME!! DONT LEAVE ME!!" Random circumstances have been playing for me today like previews on a screen and I'm trying to sort them to out.

As a social butterfly and compassion person, I make friends easily. It is really easy for me to make heart connections with people in relatively short amounts of time. A real struggle I have had in my life though because of this gift is I become overwhelmed with the masses of sorts. I have worked in youth groups, ministry positions, churches, not to mention other jobs, personal groups, and that doesn't go into friends and family. Naturally this causes a people clog! This past year has been truly a test of my shattered heart held together but by God's grace. I have had to take a real hard look at my life and the people in it. I have done some major threshing. God has led me to five piller women as accountability partners and sisters in faith. He has called me to lay down the men in my life who I was trying to maintain close friendships with and to release them. He has also put me back in my hometown for the third journey (1st was pre college & 2nd was in ministry at home church) to release most of the relationships that were built out of the church I worked with or in the ministry position I was in to embrace the new people He has me encountering in my everyday.

One of the things I've really struggled with has been the guilt & expectations of others. I forget that I keep my pool of people wide and deep like a sea while others keep theirs more like a swimming pool or small pond. My sea has been devouring me lately so I've been drying out some folks. Breaking off some relationships that aren't in the flow of my life anymore. It is hard but so necessary for my heart to do so. When the speaker from this weekend talked about life suckers, I knew that I haven't really dealt with this issue. I say that I'm threshing but really I'm more like Gideon (Judges 6). Gideon was a guy who hid in secret to do his threshing so the enemy couldn't steal it. He was hiding when God's messenger found him and reminded him of God's promise. God had rescued them & had conquored over all oppressors. Gideon, like myself, argued. But God has forgotten us... can't you see the junk & the stuff the enemy has broken and destroyed? Where was God then huh? Gideon felt like hiding was life when God reminded him that LIFE equals FREEDOM! Avoidance isn't freedom.

Fear of hurting people thereby avoiding them does hurt people. When vampires appear in my life and see the life I have and want it, I have to deal with it. There are some people I've been avoiding but that time and energy and guilt has been sucking the life out of me so the problem is there with or without their actual presence. God has granted us with such an incredible gift: Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom! Whatever creates bondage on a believer is breakable in Jesus' name.

I am not Jesus! Can't be! But I do have His last name. I have the key to every locked door & shackle. His name is Jesus and I have to go to Him with this.

I was in church today and in the message God was telling the disciples to beware the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadduccees. Basically, be careful of getting so caught up in doing good stuff that you forget God and to not use that good stuff to make excuses for the sin and junk in your life. As he spoke I heard my soul say, everyone always wants something from me. WOW! My bottom line cry is that. I've been hearing the buzz lately in some church circles about how I have too much talent to waste. I need to sing. I need to minister. I need to help do this drama. I need to... I need to... I need to... *sigh* and because I lean on people, I've allowed that to latch on to my heart and soul and bleed it dry.

God's grace is enough. He doesnt need a performer. He doesnt need a delivery guy. He doesn't need. The beauty of Jesus is that He doesn't NEED us to sustain Him. I always took that verse that says if you don't praise God then the rock and trees will cry out as a warning / mandate from Heaven that I better praise God all the time or if not feel guilty. Wow! SO COMPLETELY OFF! I think God let us know that in order to free us! His Kingdom doesn't rise and fall on the whims of man. He's King whether or not we're bowing and taking orders and worshipping. This absolute autonomy of God is incredible because now I can choose to serve Him. I can freely love God or hate God. I can go to the woods and worship & sing or I can go watch a movie and He's still God.

He's not the one sucking from us, but he's the one cleaning off a place for us to latch on. He's the Bread of Life and the Living Water. TAKE! EAT! ALL THAT YOU CAN HANDLE!! There's so much more when you're ready for Him. He doesn't run out.

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Neverending
Your Glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart is to bring you praise from the inside out Lord my heart cries out!
- Hillsong United

My Single's Ad according to Wendi Damren:

2009-01-19T13:03:00.001-05:00

"she has been a youth leader
and loves to blog
she says stuff that flips religious people out
and loves Jesus
she is also a book nerd and a party girl
and lives a rock and roll lifestyle
when we get together we have church
and prophesy"

Persnickety. God dropped that n

2009-01-07T00:46:00.001-05:00

Persnickety. God dropped that n my spirit. Amazing how that personality surfaces with your exposed "flesh man". Fussy babies need. He will supply

Daddy's Girl

2008-11-22T13:29:00.006-05:00

This week has been a week! Wow! Struggle has been my middle name. Today I got to eat with one of my most favorite people, my brother. As we are sharing our hearts over some dang good Mexican food, I realize over and over how much I've grown up with lies. It never occurred to me that people I trusted most to take care of me wouldn't or maybe it is fairer to say couldn't. I've allowed so many of my perceptions to come from outward voices and coaching rather than true inward convictions. As I reflect on my childhood and the lessons taught I sigh from somewhere so deep within that it even startles me. God's Spirit implanted the way, the truth, and the life within me at 5 years old and I've chosen man's voice over it for a long time.

This is what the Lord says:
“Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans,
who rely on human strength
and turn their hearts away from the Lord.
6 They are like stunted shrubs in the desert,
with no hope for the future.
They will live in the barren wilderness,
in an uninhabited salty land.

7 “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.

9 “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,
and desperately wicked.
Who really knows how bad it is?
10 But I, the Lord, search all hearts
and examine secret motives.
I give all people their due rewards,
according to what their actions deserve.” (Jeremiah 17:5-10)
So it is fragmented that I sit here in this coffee shop and confess that I have not loved my family. How can I go and minister to others when I've allowed my heart to hate my brother... my real brother. I look into the fragments of my life thus far and see so much religion and facades that I've become sick of the mere reflection. Oh Jesus! When am I ever really going to walk in fullness of life with you? This week, my goal is to spend more time examining God's heart and thoughts and releasing my stance on things. Why do I feel the way I do? What is the truth behind the feelings?

I've been so blessed! In the midst of spiritual & emotional tearing has been a God sent friend to speak peace and truth to my storm this week! My ATL Sarah has been a real friend to me and help shine a flash light of God's love and grace to me this week. In the fall out of sloppy parenting, death, grief, religious abuse, and anger my friend inspired hope. I really needed more than anything else, hope. For all you cyber people out there, looking and struggling with your past or overwhelming future, know this... There is a God who loves you past who you are and way past what you do... When you surrender to Him, truly give it over to Him, you are not left with the void of the unknown. He makes Himself known to you everyday. He really is with you wherever you go! Whatever you do! He sends friends to talk with you until midnight. He holds your hand as you cry! He speaks encouragement and life to you when all others around you stand silent or in criticism. He's there. Not because my life has been easy can I say that but because I've fought Him, given up on Him, been wooed by Him, been pursued by Him, been loved by Him... That is how I know... That is how you can know. I'm so far from being who I want to be. But my sin no longer slinks in the shadow and I can come to the light with my gunky heart and let Daddy see it. Let Him clean it. Let Him love me despite it! He's such a good Daddy! I'm slowly becoming comfortable with my imperfections and trying to become more at peace with those in my family. Fractured but not demolished is surprisingly a peaceful place to be.

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out
(Hillsong United - From the Inside Out)

Blee(d)ting Sheep

2008-11-12T20:19:00.007-05:00

While working on a sermon, I researched and found these quotes. Here's the reflection of God's face that these precious ones have seen in US(the church). This is who we are to the world if we don't walk in love. This is what they see in us when we don't stay connected to the Vine (Jesus - John 15) and die. PLEASE PLEASE stay honest in your estimation of yourself. Why do we preach? What is the heart and soul of our message as we preach? What are the words of our actions saying that people hear past our Jesus talk? My fellow Christians, I love you and pray for you as I write this. Pray also for me. These quotes could be coming from our lips but by God's grace and the embrace of His love & mercy. Reach out if you need anything! We are one in the body of Christ. Please let someone know if you need someone, if you are overwhelmed, if you need a break!

This is posted not to provoke anger but to put reality in our face. Churchy bubbles can distort our world view point and make us see "them" as the enemy or the task when the face of the "church" is slicing and dicing God's bride and 100 sheep become 99...98..97... let the Spirit speak to your hearts about the lost 1. See people not as a church roster number, a filled Sunday school seat. See people as people. See them as a human with feelings, with questions, with God's image engraved on their being. Christians are God's reflection on the earth... yes but ALL people are made in His image. Who am I to destroy that which I didn't create and whose soul I have no right to condemn or exalt?

To you who read and feel that these quotes are yours and to the men and women who are quoted, I really want to say... I am so sorry! I've done this to you! I'm so sorry for judging you. I am so sorry for feeling superior or more holy... cause I'm not. I'm not truly moral nor is there anything "good" about me that would make me better. The descriptions below are about Christianity the religion not Jesus. I am so sorry for your hurt. I'm so sorry that you frantically searched for truth and were murdered or distracted along the way. God is not who religion has made Him out to be. He doesn't want to beat you. He doesn't want to criticize and hurl you into guilt and depression over your failures. He wants to love you and be loved by you.

This is not a conversion post but a public apology to those who have been trampled by the "Christians" and a voice of warning to the those who believe in Jesus to watch out for the cancer of religion.

Quotes from ex-Christians

"It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being."

- Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I do not reject Christianity because of my desire to go around sinning without any guilt; I reject Christianity because I have closely examined its claims and I have found them to be unsubstantiated."

Roger Martin.

My son thinks I am going to hell. He has followed his mother's path of fundamental Christianity and has become a fundamentalist minister (much to my regret.) Perhaps he will grow out of it as I did. I was just like him at his age. I love him. I honor where he is at. I hope he gets past it.

Jerry, Former Minister.

I was constantly trying to smash the square pegs of what I was learning from science, sociology, psychology, history and comparative religion into the round hole of my conservative Christian paradigm. [........] . I reached the point where I was bordering on biochemical treatment for depression because my mind was always wrestling with philosophical problems and not getting acceptable solutions. Julian Huxley had a similar experience, which he described as developing a "thought tumor."

Dan Lewandowski

I started reading about brainwashing techniques, and found out that while brainwashing rarely works, there are methods of manipulation that are far more subtle and do work if used skillfully and in the right combinations. I started to recognize them in use not only at youth retreats, but in general church services as well. I found out that seminaries and magazines for preachers actually teach these techniques. Now, these people often don't even know that's what they're doing! They're just picking "appropriate" music, or learning how to "be a better speaker".

It blew my mind. Even though it didn't shake my faith that much, I never broke down at another youth retreat. That was probably the start of my deconversion, since it was then that I gave up on an emotional basis for faith as being too unreliable, and started reading the Bible and books on apologetics.

Jason Steiner

One of the things that helped me greatly was reading non-theistic material. I got a look at how the "other side" thinks, and I must say it wasn't what I expected. I thought atheists had no morals, but I was wrong.

I wanted the truth, not a fantasy or something that made me feel good. To be frank, if I'd known the pain I was about to endure, I probably would not have been able to make that decision.

To make a long story short, I found that as I probed into my religious world view, pulling threads here and there, it fell apart like a cheap sweater.

It took me over a year to leave the ministry.

Dave, Ex-minister.

Over the next three or four years, I read the bible every night. I'd read the whole thing, and then start again. I read it four more times in this period. By then, I had noticed scientific fallacies, contradictions, and supposed "moral precepts" that I knew damn good and well weren't moral.

[.........]

Anyway, after those agonizing years were over, I felt more free than I had ever felt. I guess it is analogous to ridding yourself of a drug addiction. During the withdraw, life is hell, you don't want to give up the drug, but after it is over, you feel much better. Now I feel liberated. Strangly enough, I seem to be a more moral person now that I have forsaken religion.

TOD

I felt a bit like a child, as though I was rediscovering the world. In particular, I remember a monthlong period in which I became flat-out fascinated with trees-- there was something beautiful about the way they branched out, cutting a tangled silhouette against the sky. I also became enthralled with sunsets, and to this day I still love watching sunsets. Everything seemed fresh and new. It was as if in my enthusiasm for the supernatural, I had overlooked all the beauty the natural world has to offer. Now I was playing catch-up, discovering all the neat stuff I'd missed. I also read dozens of science books during this time-- I decided it was time to find out how the universe really works, as I didn't want to ever be fooled again.

Rob Berry

The most annoying thing is that all the people who used to be my fellow Xians and used to believe that I was as good as the rest of them explained my losing-of-my-faith away by claiming that I "probably never had any faith anyway" or "It's just a rough period, you'll return to Jesus". I know that for that period of my life I had absolute faith and devotion and then to be told that you probably didn't is insulting.

I attended Adventist schools from first grade through college. As almost everything that I learned was filtered through the Adventist belief system, I learned next to nothing about art, literature, music, evolution, and other ways of thinking about humanity and the universe.

I'm glad to be alive, relieved that I won't be around forever, happy to be free from dogma and guilt, and firmly convinced that the truth is its own reward, even if discovering it can be painful at first.

First let me outline the events that directed me to atheism.

1. I had been taught to be a truthseeker.

2. I took a sabbatical leave which gave me time to travel study and rethink.

3. I came in contact with the Humanists who had a substitute for religion. Worshipping neither God, man nor beast their emphasis was on improving this world rather than preparing for the next.

4. Impressed with the fact that the rationalists, humanists, secularists and freethinkers were superior people I was driven to my books in order to learn whether or not the supposed existence of God was a fallacy. With a hundred questions on my mind I did not stop reading until I was completely and fully convinced that my most fundamental beliefs were based on error. I finally had to conclude that future civilizations would be better off without belief in this nefarious practice of superstitiously attempting to contact the so-called unseen or invisible powers. I quit belief in ghosts.

Why I Left The Ministry And Became An Atheist By G. Vincent Runyon

When I became convinced that the Universe is natural -- that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood, the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell, the dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts, and bars, and manacles became dust. I was no longer a servant, a serf or a slave. There was for me no master in all the wide world -- not even in infinite space. I was free -- free to think, to express my thoughts -- free to live to my own ideal -- free to live for myself and those I loved -- free to use all my faculties, all my senses -- free to spread imagination's wings -- free to investigate, to guess and dream and hope -- free to judge and determine for myself -- free to reject all ignorant and cruel creeds, all the "inspired" books that savages have produced, and all the barbarous legends of the past -- free from popes and priests -- free from all the "called" and "set apart" -- free from sanctified mistakes and holy lies -- free from the fear of eternal pain -- free from the winged monsters of the night -- free from devils, ghosts and gods. For the first time I was free. There were no prohibited places in all the realms of thought -- no air, no space, where fancy could not spread her painted wings -- no chains for my limbs -- no lashes for my back -- no fires for my flesh -- no master's frown or threat -- no following another's steps -- no need to bow, or cringe, or crawl, or utter lying words. I was free. I stood erect and fearlessly, joyously, faced all worlds.

Why I Am Agnostic - Robert Green Ingersoll

Finally, in grad school, I decided I was going to read the whole Bible myself, and to heck with all the commentaries and Bible dictionaries, which my father was never without (and kept loaning me). It was an incredible revelation. There were things in there that nobody had EVER told me about, and I don't wonder why! And there was so much that I had been taught that was NOT in there at all!

It took me two weeks to read the entire Bible thoroughly end to end. I haven't read it since, and that was 30 years ago. Soon after that, I just gave up going to church. It was just impossible to listen to all the made-up blather coming from the pulpit. It was just impossible to believe all those hoaky stories.

Nelson USENET Testimonies

Another big factor, which went to the heart of religion, was the discovery of the book "Faith Of A Heretic" by Walter Kaufmann a well-known author, philosopher, and considered "the expert" on Nietzsche. This book was great literature. This book was a journey through philosophy and human thought and through the emotion and upheaval of religion. It was rich and full. It looked at the Bible and the characters in it. It paralleled the same ideas in philosophy. It was rich in emotion, and it was a joy to read. And it forever vanquished my emotional ties to religion. Now I understood. Now I was free! What a glorious feeling that was!

Rich USENET Testimonies

When I was a Christian, I said that if Christianity weren't true, I wanted to know; even if the truth were something horrible, I wanted to know what was true. I remember having conversations with friends about that, and, when pushed on the issue, most tended to admit that if Christianity is false, they didn't want to know. But, I did, and I believed that all truth is God's truth, and that I was supposed to love God with all my mind as well as my heart and soul and strength and whatever else it was that I was supposed to love him with. So I felt a Christian obligation to investigate these questions I had about Christianity.

[.........]

back when I was a creationist and all I had read about the subject was written by creationists. I started reading about the real science of evolution, and realized how completely off base the creationists are, how very little they understand about evolution, and how very much they distorted evolution.

[........]

The intellect alone has a hard time overcoming emotional and psychological attachment; having a bunch of friends praying and worrying about your "eternal soul" etc. can't make it any easier.

- Kendall (From the Ex-tian archives)

There's a beauty to life, but you realize how bittersweet that beauty is when you've outlived your idols. From here you see things more clearly -- faults and all. You realize that love is a struggle in the face of separation, not a starting point that will springboard into eternity. You see the flaws that give Mona Lisa her beauty. The words "til death do us part" ring as loud as the chapel bell at your best friend's wedding. And you learn to make the most of your life, just in case this is all you're going to get.

Jason R. Tippitt (From the Ex-tian archives)

When I first announced it [atheism] (it was in my Advanced English class, and we just happened to be covering Charles Darwin's book), by the end of the day it was ALL OVER the school. By the end of the week people knew who I was, and would walk up and say "Are you Christy [...]? Don't you know you're gonna burn in hell?" There was shit written all over the bathrooms walls about me -- "Jesus loves you, Christy," God can forgive you, Christy," "You can be saved," etc., etc., etc. (Hmmm...I bet if I went back to my highschool some of that stuff might still be there!! It was only about 7-8 years ago! ;) ) And of course there were threats, people claiming they were gonna bring their church parties over to my house and "talk" to me so they could "save" me, and many, many prank phone calls, people calling, asking for me, saying I was gonna burn in hell, hanging up, etc. Basically it got so bad that I had no friends.

Christy (From the Ex-tian archives)

Well, eventually, I did leave, but it's too long a story. Over a 2 year period, I moved gradually from that place to the charismatic movement to neo-orthodoxy (as in Karl Barth) to reading the "death of God" theologians. Richard Rubenstein's "After Auschwitz" was probably the final straw. And Hyam Maccoby's book on the apostle Paul exploded any last vestiges of faith to smithereens.

[........]

My basic experience of fundamentalist Christianity is that it's contrary to human nature. Thus I suffered psychological and emotional damage, from which I'm still recovering from today.

David (From the Ex-tian archives)

My concrete doubts formed during my freshman year in college. After much study, debate, and agony, I realized that it was reason (tempered with a healthy dose of humility) that furthered my knowledge and understanding of the world. It wasn't faith. I eventually -- but not quickly -- discovered that the foundation of my entire worldview was based on one gigantic logical fallacy. Though I make it sound simple and painless, it wasn't. As most of you know, the transition is quite traumatic and developed over a long period of time.

Mark (From the Ex-tian archives)

The more I read in the OT, the more I was horriffied and disgusted by it. All god seemed to do was give commands and meet out horrible punishments to the disobedient. The death penalty seemed very popular for all manner of minor offenses.

Susan (From the Ex-tian archives)

Well, about a year ago I started to intensively question many things. The rest is history ... well, sorta. I'm still sorting through a lot of things by actively studying christian and secular apologetics, NT history, canonization, etc. I was deeply distressed by what I began to see (and still see). I went through a whole host of feelings (along with Susanne, my wife) such as bitterness and rage down to apathy. I have zero trust in organized religion.

In the belief spectrum of things, I'd say I range closer to being agnostic than anything else right now. I'm still studying and searching for truth... I'm still trying to grapple with what it's like to be a FREE MAN also! I'm new to the game, so I have a lot to learn (and unlearn...or deprogram) about life - REAL LIFE!!

Jim (From the Ex-tian archives)

I've felt religious euphoria many times before. This is the first time that I'd ever felt real PEACE. Gone is the fear of eternal damnation, the weariness of working for heaven. Once those things are gone, the rest of Christianity, with its glittering edifices of rationalization, all comes crashing down.

For the first time in my life, I am FREE. My mind is clear of contradictions. I don't have to assimilate the things I know into a clunky theology. Lack of God has made me anything but nihilistic. Life is even more precious now, the universe so much grander and more awe-inspiring when not viewed from the pinnacle of creation.

Jason Steiner (From the Ex-tian archives)

When I accepted reason fully, accepted that I had no evidence except a lifetime of brainwashing and a book on which to base any kind of belief in god, I found I could embrace with peace even the concepts of natural mortality and no life after death.

[.....]

I now feel more ALIVE and at peace with myself and others than I ever did the first 24 years or so of my life.

BluBari (From the Ex-tian archives)

I had a rather abrupt intellectual crisis my last year of college. I was planning to be a professional apologist and was taking three courses my fall quarter relating to biblical studies. I thought the best way to defeat the Jesus Seminar and the source critics of the Pentateuch was to know their arguments as well as they did. Ironically, I was won over to the historical-critical method. Given my background in comparative religions and my training as an apologist who liked to ask difficult questions, my view of the Bible and the religious communities that produced it quickly changed. More and more, I saw the Bible as a mere cultural production, a far cry from being the very breathed-out word of God To say the least, it was the most traumatic experience of my life. The worldview that I had spent a decade meticulously constructing was shattered forever. I felt as if I was going insane.

[....]

I'm still very much haunted by the ghost of my indoctrination and I don't think that it's leaving anytime soon. I have so much to deal with and have just barely gotten the confidence to go back out into the public and start looking for a job. I daily fear helplessly falling into a state of insanity. It's amazing how a deconversion experience can so affect the self-confidence of a once "all-knowing" apologist.

Matt (From the Ex-tian archives)

I feel about as sane as I ever have in my life. The joy I feel from seeing so many of the people on this list who have gone through similar experiences and are still incredulous as to how they could have ever believed what they did is without limit. The athiests position is based on things you can really connect to, but it is the awareness of how deep the old way have been absorbed into your being that truly continues the reality trip. To be able to do away with fear and guilt is breathtakingly pleasant and I still can't believe the positivity that infuses me. Feel free to connect, the support I have already received from some of you with web links and affirmation has really enriched my life.

Mike (From the Ex-tian archives)

One night I dreamed that I was in outer space at a space station that was trying to contact Earth for help. We were in danger of blowing up any minute, and I watched a technician calling desperately on a telephone. He did not know that the other end of his telephone line was not connected to anything. I remember the horror of realizing that no one was listening. The next day I knew the dream was about God. But rather than feeling terrified - or in addition to being terrified - I felt an incredible awareness of being alive. The dream had felt real; I had faced certain impending death. Being alive the next day felt like a wonder, as though I had woken up. I walked slowly that day and allowed myself to actually feel my footsteps. I can still remember the crisp air and the clear edges of the leaves on the trees. The day was long and full and I felt like I had learned something at a very deep level - something important that I wanted to always remember - to notice my life.

Leaving the fold By Marlene Winell.

The thing I like most about non-belief is the intellectual freedom it affords. I can study things without fear that it's going to shake deeply-held beliefs. In fact, I look _forward_ to such experiences, because every time I revise my opinions, I am (hopefully) learning more about the universe.

Life in general is a lot more simple too. I don't have to look at every little thing that happens to me and try to figure out what God's trying to teach me this time. There are no hidden plans, demons or other supernatural elements. I can just...be.

Jason (From the ex-Christian mailing list archives)

Some joys I have found in unbelief, though:

No longer needing to devote limited time and money to religious obligations (i.e. attending church services, Bible studies, paying tithes to the church, etc.)

Greater interest in and enjoyment of things around me (such as science, music, art, nature, etc.). Enjoyment of such things was discouraged when I was in church -- they said that we "shouldn't get too enamored in the things of this world, since heaven is our real home."

Less guilt feelings -- I feel much freer to try things and even make mistakes, since I don't worry about a God watching me and threatening me with punishment or misfortune.

More ability to make friends of other beliefs and backgrounds -- before, such friendships were discouraged since those people were "of the devil" and "might lead us away from Christ."

(From the ex-Christian mailing list archives)

With one look, one word, wih one smile... He took my breath away!

2008-10-11T14:12:00.003-04:00

I love the expression of flirting! When you are able to express yourself in flirtatious banter without any reservations, without fear of "what's next", and without real thought. Your body and mind kick into auto pilot and you just coast on the ride. There is excitement. It becomes a beautiful game. His serve... your return... His counter move...

Beautiful!

On my drive to the big ATL, a beautiful time with the Lord began. We began to flirt back and forth. My heart pattered as we spoke in hushed tones. Joking with giggles and rosie expressions. Full teeth smiles and witty banter. How many times have I just missed this time with my Jesus. Dumping problems, anxiously searching for solutions, complete begging and "interceding" for things. My WANT becomes more than my LOVE!

I still have the same chaos in my life... I will walk back into struggles and decisions... but for now, I choose to lay all the junk and treasure aside to flirt with my God. My Ishi.... My husband... my very best friend. I choose to laugh, to play, to get lost in the moment of love, to feel the splashes of the FULL and FREE encounter of LIFE and LIFE ABUNDANTLY!

God even played our song for us! "When a man loves a woman"

My Lord knows me, loves me, and I'm ravished by Him!

Sweet Spirit Swirls

2008-10-07T18:27:00.003-04:00

What is normal life? Does this so called state of being exists? So much of my life feels to kaleidoscope around me. When I feel like I've burst through one battle and have a chance to rest, all of a sudden the militia in the woods decide to make a last minute charge... sigh... I'm either swirling too fast or painfully slow. Tick... Tick... Tick...

Jesus... I'm really in need of a lighthouse in this fog. God is helping me war against some deep, dark, ancient dragons in my life. Warring against the religious spirit. Bible toting Betty (my religious alter ego) rears her Prov 31 ugly head. As I'm walking this out, there is just SOOOO many lies we've been handed through "bible belt church"! I really have to control the urge to not stop and deface stupid church signs I see! Pulling away from programs, systems, ministries and pulling dangerously close to Daddy God. He is a wild and unpredictable God. He has no formulas! He has no conceivable rhyme or reason for what He does or why He does it. He can't be understood yet He desires to be fully known. He can't be pinned down yet He wants to be held on to. He can't stand sin but yet He longs to embrace every sinner. He is the Almighty. That fascinates me and pisses me off in the same breath. How do I fully trusts Him when it is through myself that it must be done?

There is a worship song I love that plays over and over in my heart...
"I don't want to talk about You, like You're not in the room
I want to look right at You, I want to sing right to You"

"If I never walk on water, if I never see a miracle, if I never hear Your words so loud, well... just knowing that You love me is enough to bring me hear, just knowing is enough to satisfy"

In the midst of the swirling and twirling, Lord let that be my destination! Just knowing is enough to satisfy!

As I sit eating lunch

2008-09-29T13:01:00.001-04:00

As I sit eating lunch at a local Mexican, I'm saddened by the conversation in the next booth. 2 pastors discuss how to "work" Christianity. Sad!

Meet my KC friend!

2008-09-18T20:11:00.003-04:00

While in Kansas City, I had the awesome opportunity to become friends with Becky. I loved her from the moment I met her. She has two precious boys, Ryan and Brenden. Brenden has KMS. I've included his entire story written by Becky and found on their website whose link I've included also at the end. My prayer is that someone cruising my blog will fall in love with this family as I have. They desperately need blessings both physical (volunteers and monetarily) as well as much prayer. We (those who know them and this precious baby) are contending for his full healing!

Check this story out, if your spirit connects, join the army of prayer warriors calling out to God and waging war with sickness and death. Tell her Christen from GA sent you!

Hello Everyone!

I wanted to take a moment to first tell you thank you for visting Brenden's website.

As many of you may already know, Brenden has a disease called Kasabach-Merritt Syndrome (KMS). In laymen's terms he has a vascular malformation (hemangioma) in his abdominal area that consumes his blood products including red blood cells, platelets, clotting factors, etc. This causes his blood counts to be low, and in turn this causes him to bruise easily, and if he starts bleeding, it can be difficult to stop.

Brenden's tumor is different from many hemangioma's in that his is all internal, and subsequently puts pressure on his internal organs. His tumor goes from the base of his colon to the top of the small intestine. It is near the drainage duct of the liver, completely around his pancreas, next to his spleen and very near to his kidney's. It is putting pressure on both ureters (the tubes the connect the kidneys to the bladder) and causing hydronephrosis. Basically this means that the kidneys are not able to get all of the fluid out, and they are getting larger becasue of a fluid build up. If this problem gets too severe he could lose a kidney. If the fluid build-up becomes too great it can increase his blood pressure and put an increased amount of pressure on his heart, which if not handled properly could cause his heart to fail. Because of all of this, we have to monitor Brenden very closely, and he sees his doctor weekly to get labs drawn to make sure that his counts don't get too low.

In addition to needing transfusions on occassion, Brenden has also needed to be in the hospital alot. Since the first problem presented itself he has been in the hospital about 10 times, and in the ER more times than we can remember or count.

Brenden was diagnosed in February 2007 after three weeks of not knowing what was going on. He started having bright red blood in his stools and we were at the doctors office and ER many times before a correct diagnosis was made. Once a colonoscopy and endoscopy were performed, the doctors could see that he had lesions on the inside of his intestines, and after reviewing the photos that were taken, they determined that there was something on the outside of the intestines growing in. The doctors then decided to perform a laporoscopy and that is when they found the abnormal blood vessel growth, and sense then he has been undergoing treatment to reduce the size of the lesion. He was started on steroids, then when that didn't work, the doctors started him on Vincristine Chemotherapy, and now he is on Interferon.

Since Brenden's tumor is completely internal, the only safe way that we can monitor it's size is by CT scans, MRI's, and ultrasounds. Unfortunately, these scans cannot tell us everything about the tumor so we rely a great deal on labs, and general feedback from Brenden himself.

Brenden has amazed us through this whole thing. For having dealt with this for over a year, and for most of his life, Brenden is a very happy baby. He smiles and laughs A LOT! And in turn makes us smile and laugh. He is very strong willed, and very much a fighter, and every day he amazes us with happy-go-lucky personality.

We hope that you enjoy, and find the information contained in Brenden's website useful.

Please let us know if you have any questions. Also, please let us know if something is not working properly.

Love,

Heath, Becky, Ryan, and Brenden (aka Dad, Mom, Big brother, and yours truely).

Wandering with a Jew? Want to? - YES!

2008-09-16T18:41:00.002-04:00

I've been walking in a fog lately. It was the fog of nasty sinus head junk and now it is a fog of dreams. For some reason, I can't get enough of my dreams. I'm unable to blog regularly so my off time is spent day dreaming my thoughts. I'm one of those people that must empty out in order to pass by it. Ex: When growing up and asked to clean my room, I would get bogged down in rearranging sock drawers and such because I'm detailed to an OCD fault at times but distracted by ADD. What a great combination right? In the rolling tides called my life, I've often wondered "What am I missing?" Whether it is walking out the door (late) looking for my keys, or introspecting into my social life trying to juggle family or friends... (Have I talked to mom this week?) I'm constantly assuming I've left something out and equally crowded in my mind to forget what I intended to do. So many times growing up I've tried to gravitate to someone to fix it. FIX ME!

In the past few weeks, a very strange calm and peace has settled into my heart and soul like never before. I am finally relaxing into "God's heart is for me... I want to know His heart... everything else is extra."

Lots of people are getting left behind in the mix... I'm reading books about boundaries (emotional & physical). I'm feel like my soul has aged 10 years in the past few months. My thoughts are different. I'm different. And that's okay!

I really don't have an end to this post but for the sake of my bible study that starts in 5 minutes... All who come across this and are in the I'm not married, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and I've been voting for 3 plus presidents...

Walk your path! Nobody has to understand you. Embrace this place, ride it out.

Grownup is merely objective. It's not definitive. It's not on a time line. Jesus is all about walk... not the end of the road.